Broken Promises

Knowing about what was going to happen in the temple and experiencing it are two completely different things. This was supposed to be a happy day for me. Yet, I felt grim inside as the day wore on. This is what I had been told my whole life had to happen if I wanted my family to be together forever in the next life. Yet, as I did everything that first time through the temple, I had this unsettling feeling of how insane it all was, unusual underwear, crazy clothes, women with veiled faces, men in foolish hats, obsessive rituals, extreme covenants, odd signs, peculiar tokens, bizarre handshakes, and ‘new names’ all just to get into Heaven?! Plus, it was being drilled into me that if I didn’t live up to everything that I was promising to do that day, I would absolutely be under Satan’s influence and power. Those thoughts were overshadowing my joy at finally being a ‘forever family’.

First, I participated in the 'washing and anointing' ceremony. You have to have on their special underwear before you can make these sacred promises to God. You get this underwear during the initiatory ceremony. I will go into greater details concerning this ritual in my next blog. I will say, I was completely naked under a cloth shield and alone in a tiny booth with a very old woman. She 'washed' my body with water touching it in very specific places; and 'anointed' it with oil in those same places as well, purifying me enough to worthily wear the garments, aka the Mormon's ugly, but holy, underwear. This is when the sick feeling inside me started to grow, and it only got worse. After being initiated into the Mormon church, I was allowed to get dressed in my new underwear and new white temple dress. I was taken to another room where another old lady talked to me about when it was acceptable for me to take off my new underwear, and when it was not. Yes, they tell you when you can and can't be without their special undies!

Randy and I were apart during all of this, but were finally reunited for the endowment ceremony. Men sit on one side of the room and women sit on the other. In the endowment ceremony, we watch a movie that teaches us all about God, Jesus, Satan, Adam, Eve and the creation of the earth; it stops and starts according to the covenants we are making. We dress ourselves in silly outfits while making vows to God, and to the church. It was like I had entered the twilight zone! We sat on the front row and were the 'witnesses' that day. Every time we made a covenant, we had to demonstrate how it would be done for the rest of the people in our session. It was all very solemn and serious. It's funny how 'crazy' becomes 'sane' if you repeat the 'crazy' enough. Yes, my first time through the temple I was creep-ed out by it, but after going through a few more times, crazy turned into normal. This is a reason why they 'encourage' you to come back as often as possible. Indoctrination happens best with repetition.  

My gut reaction to the temple was feeling sick to my stomach. Those feelings of sickness continued throughout most of the temple endowment ceremony. Nonetheless, I put on what I thought was a happy face, and told myself to just get through it; which I did, while repeatedly changing my cloths, veiling my face, standing up and then sitting down again, frequently bowing my head in submission, and dutifully saying 'yes' to every covenant they threw at me. However, Randy knew something was not quite right with me; he sensed my 'fakeness'. While we were waiting patiently in the Celestial room for our second wedding to take place, Randy quietly leaned over and asked me why I never smiled at him during the endowment ceremony. Truthfully, I had hardly even looked at him during it. I didn't think I was allowed to smile in the temple. We had just made promises to the Lord to not to 'laugh out loud'. I didn't know the rules yet about smiling. I felt like a prisoner, not a daughter of a loving God. I had just been told when I could and couldn't take off my new, boxer like, panties; I definitely didn't feel like smiling! So, I blamed my somber mood on my throbbing shoulder. I was in a lot of pain that day from an injury while teaching aerobics earlier that week. I knew I couldn’t tell him, or anyone else, how I really felt about the temple ceremonies. They would all say I was the one who was crazy, not the rituals. It would be decades later when I would finally embrace this wonderful truth spoken by Jason Hairston, “Being considered ‘crazy’ by those who are still victims of cultural conditioning is a compliment.” Now, I happily wear the crowning title of ‘crazy’ given to me by those friends and family of mine who are still asleep. I absolutely wasn’t brave enough to even try that ‘crown’ on back then, let alone wear it proudly like I do now. I conformed like the good little lamb I had been programmed to be.

Even though we were already married, we still had to be sealed together in the temple. A 'sealing' ceremony is the marriage ceremony for the church, ‘the New and Everlasting Covenant’ of marriage. Marriages outside of the church aren’t recognized in the afterlife, which is why all other families fall apart after death, according to Mormonism; just like baptisms in other churches aren’t recognized either. Only Mormon marriages that are sealed in the Mormon temples are everlasting because only Mormons have God’s binding authority to seal people together on earth. This is why we had to have another 'wedding'. 

Seeing Randy, Alex, and I, in the huge mirrors, as we were sealed across an altar as an eternal family at the end of that long, tiring day, was the only truly beautiful part where I didn’t feel that dread inside me. The sealing rooms are very beautiful with enormous mirrors on opposite walls so that you can see your full reflection into ‘eternity’. There are gorgeous chandeliers in every sealing room, ornate chairs, beautifully crocheted cloths draping the altar, and everyone was dressed in white for our sealing. It is very effective at making you feel like this is the one and only way to get back to God. With every one telling me this is right, knowing they all believed it is true, and all of them had gone through these same ludicrous rituals as well, I figured I must be the one that is insane, since it didn’t feel right to me. I kept all of those feelings to myself that day and for years to come.

I understand the need that people have for rituals, however, I do believe rituals can be turned into superstition really easily if we are not careful about the reasons why we are doing them in the first place. Gretchen Rubin said, “Superstition is the irrational belief that an object or behavior has the power to influence an outcome, when there’s no logical connection between them. Most of us aren’t superstitious, but most of us are a ‘littlestitious’.” I get that rituals are an important part of being human, just like the telling of myths and stories; people enjoy these things, and they serve an important purpose. I still enjoy doing rituals. I love doing full moon ceremonies, new moon practices, and shamanic services. I get that ceremonies and rituals are central to feeling connected to others, to nature, and to Spirit. But, rituals are not tied to salvation and never will be. That is what makes these temple rituals superstitious, because it is not in doing a ritual that makes you ‘saved’. That is the difference, and what I find deceiving, about the church’s rituals. I get that the temple ceremonies are comforting to many Mormons. There is nothing wrong with performing these temple ceremonies. It is the claim that they are needed for eternal life, keeping families together in the afterlife, and the satanic threats associated with them that are harmful.

Remember, Mormons believe we only get one shot at Earth life. This lifetime is the only time you get to prepare to meet God. If you don’t go through the temple in this life, Mormons will do it for you after you die. It’s that important to them. Those that leave the church without having attended the temple are much better off than those of us who leave after making these sacred covenants, or superstitious contracts, with God. According to Mormons, God is going to judge us harshly and unsympathetically for leaving. There can be no forgiveness for apostates!

I have already stated that the warning you are given in the temple when you are making these covenants with God is, if you don’t live up to everything you promise in the temple, and you promise a hell of a lot, Satan will have you. They tell you that out right; you will be in Satan’s power if you leave the church. It is very dramatic and crystal clear during the temple ceremony. If you break away from the church, you belong to Satan not Jesus! That last sentence is especially important to understand. It doesn’t matter if you are still a good person and still live the same standards. In the Mormon mindset, Jesus can no longer help you. If you leave the church, you now work for the Devil. In fact the Mormon scriptures say it would be better if you had never been born rather than leave the church as an apostate. You are definitely on the wrong side now. It is absolutely an ‘us’ against ‘them’ belief system. Lords side or Devils side, these are the only two choices they see. The Lords side, ‘the wheat’, is only made of Mormons. ‘The tares’ are all other churches, religions, and atheists. They make up the Devil’s side. If you are not a Mormon, you are not on the right side. Which is precisely why they have so many missionaries spreading the ‘gospel of Mormonism’ out into the world, they want everyone to conform and to one day become a member of this religion.

The church needs to put this extreme fear, about being under Satan’s power and control, into the heart’s of its members so that all will think twice, or more, before exiting the church. Just like Joseph Lewis said in An Atheist Manifesto, “Ingersoll could not understand the mind of those who, once having been told the truth preferred to remain under the spell of superstition and in ignorance. He could not understand why people would not accept ‘new truths with gladness.’ He also knew, however, that once a person’s mind had been poisoned with religious superstition, it was almost impossible to free it from the paralyzing fear which destroyed its ability to think.” That last sentence is perfectly stated! It is a paralyzing fear to be told you will be under Satan’s authority if you leave the protection and fortification of the church. I definitely feel I was poisoned with religious superstition while doing these temple rituals. Breaking free from that way of thinking was complicated, difficult, and very frightening at first.

Yes, I have broken my sacred promises that I made in the temple that day so long ago by sharing these thoughts with you and writing my memoir. However, if I had been given all of the information from the very beginning, I never would have gone to the temple in the first place. I don’t feel any regret for speaking out about my experiences in the temple, revealing what I went through, and what oaths I swore because I was hoodwinked in order to get me there. I was lied to by omission. The church omitted facts that I deserved to know in order to make an informed and conscious decision about attending the temple. Once I learned these facts, there was no going back into the deceptive delusion. 

In my next post, I will be talking about the garments, another very taboo subject, and my experience receiving them in the temple over 26 years ago.

Namaste!

www.iamsacredlight.com

www.sacredlights.net

www.secretsoftheuniverse.blogspot.com