Sacred Light

I love the work of Osho! He was a mystic, a guru, and a spiritual teacher born in India. In one of Osho’s YouTube video, on the multiple meanings of the word fuck, he says, “One of the most interesting words in the English language today is the word ‘fuck’. It is a magical word; just by its sound it can describe pain, pleasure, hate, and love. In language it falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive and intransitive: ‘John fucked Mary’, and ‘Mary was fucked by John’, and as a noun: ‘Mary is a fine fuck’. It can be used as an adjective: ‘Mary is fucking beautiful’. As you can see there are not many words with the versatility of ‘fuck’.” Osho points out that in addition to the sexual meaning of the word there are also the following uses: “ignorance: ‘fucked if I know’; trouble: ‘I guess I’m fucked now!’; aggression: ‘Fuck you!’; suspicion: ‘What the fuck are you doing?’; enjoyment: ‘I had a fucking good time!’; request: ‘Get the fuck out of here!...

Flowers from my family after my back surgery, New Years Eve, 2010. (Read my post Dark Night of the Soul part 1 to get the full story.) I was the one that asked for a divorce. It was a Friday again. Exactly one month had gone by since that dark night in December when I broke. I didn’t see how we could fix our differences, especially now. Money and religion were the two main issues. Those seemed irreparable and unsolvable. That dark, devastating,   disastrous day our kids were downstairs crying, sent there while we tried to come to terms with my request. Alex came home that weekend, unexpectedly; but, it was a good thing for the other children to have him there. Our family was disbanding. We might as well have everyone present to witness the entire destruction. I doubt anyone of them will ever forget that night. It was truly dreadful.                What do Mormons do when their marriage falls apart? They call the bishop. That’s wha...

December 24, 2010,  5 days before back surgery. Friday, December 17 th , 2010 was the beginning of my ‘Dark Night of the Soul’. A true ‘Dark Night of the Soul’ is not a minor challenge. It is a deeply, meaningful experience. You don’t choose a dark night. It is given to you. There are many gifts hidden in that darkness. Your job is to find them. ‘A Dark Night of the Soul’ brings transformation. It is a defining moment. You were one way before that experience. You are another way after it. It leaves you forever altered. It pushes you to the edge of what you thought you were capable of handling. It forces you to rely on something beyond yourself to get through it. That is how I view a ‘Dark Night of the Soul’. That is how I view what happened to me in those eight, long, intense weeks from December 17 th , 2010 to February 17 th , 2011. I can clearly see that Friday night in December that I broke. I can see my room, where I was sitting, where Randy stood....

Knowing  about what was going to happen in the temple and experiencing it are two completely different things. This was supposed to be a happy day for me. Yet, I felt grim inside as the day wore on. This is what I had been told my whole life had to happen if I wanted my family to be together forever in the next life. Yet, as I did everything that first time through the temple, I had this unsettling feeling of how insane it all was, unusual underwear, crazy clothes, women with veiled faces, men in foolish hats, obsessive rituals, extreme covenants, odd signs, peculiar tokens, bizarre handshakes, and ‘new names’ all just to get into Heaven?! Plus, it was being drilled into me that if I didn’t live up to everything that I was promising to do that day, I would absolutely be under Satan’s influence and power. Those thoughts were overshadowing my joy at finally being a ‘forever family’. First, I participated in the 'washing and anointing' ceremony. You have to have on their sp...