Like A Virgin

Sex is perfectly natural. It’s something that’s pleasurable. It’s enjoyable and it enhances a relationship. So why don’t we learn as much as we can about it and become comfortable with ourselves as sexual human beings, because we are all sexual! ~ Sue Johanson

I could write an entire book about the repressed sexual issues of men and women in the Mormon Church, but I won’t. Although, I am sure somebody will, someday. Nevertheless, I am going to set aside this post, and the next few, for vigorously vocalizing my opinions regarding the lessons on virginity and sexuality in general in Mormonism.

      Jeffrey R. Holland, one of the current twelve apostles in the L.D.S. church, has said, “Setting aside sins against the Holy Ghost for a moment as a special category unto themselves, it is LDS doctrine that sexual transgression is second only to murder in the Lord’s list of life’s most serious sins. By assigning such rank to a physical appetite so conspicuously evident in all of us, what is God trying to tell us about its place in his plan for all men and women in mortality? I submit to you he is doing precisely that, commenting about the very plan of life itself. So, any kind of ‘sexual sins’ are worse than torture, child abuse, or slavery, just to name a few really horrendous crimes that come AFTER sexual sins. Sex maybe perfectly natural, but the church sure doesn’t want its youth to truly understand this beautiful desire. Repression, suppression, and denial are the way the youth are taught to cope with their very real, incredibly intense, beautifully natural, and perfectly normal sexual desires. There is no healthy outlet for Mormon kids to learn about their particularly personal sexual feelings, desires, and preferences.

The disgrace regarding sex within Mormonism starts with the youth in the church and the disturbing lessons they receive in the Young Men’s and the Young Women’s classes regarding masturbation, rape, homosexuality, premarital sexual experimentation meaning light petting, heavy petting, oral sex, or anal sex, and of course premarital intercourse. Obviously, all of those activities are forbidden, but it is the unfortunate fear, guilt, and shame that are instilled into the youth concerning the very topic of sex that is truly devastating. Here are four quotes from four, now deceased, prophets of the church that I heard in my youth and are still being quoted today. These accurately reflect the type of message the youth constantly receive in church, and in seminary, regarding their virginity and sexual purity.

“There is no true Latter-day Saint who would not rather bury a son or a daughter than to have him or her lose his or her chastity, (virginity), realizing that chastity is of more value than anything else in all the world.” Prophet Heber J. Grant, Gospel Standards, complied by G. Homer Durham, p. 55. I guess I was never a ‘true Latter-day Saint’ according to Heber because I sure as hell don’t feel that way at all concerning my children and their ‘chastity’. Voltaire said, “It is an infantile superstition of the human spirit that virginity would be thought a virtue and not the barrier that separates ignorance from knowledge.” ‘Virginity’ is not what makes one girl more valuable, or worthy, than another!

“Also far-reaching is the effect of loss of chastity, (virginity). Once given or taken or stolen it can never be regained. Even in a forced contact such as rape or incest, the injured one is greatly outraged. If she has not cooperated and contributed to the foul deed, she is of course in a more favorable position. There is no condemnation when there is no voluntary participation. It is better to die in defending one’s virtue than to live having lost it without a struggle.” Prophet Spencer W. Kimball, The Miracle of Forgiveness, p. 196. I remember being forced to read this truly terrible book when I was a teenager as a punishment to help me ‘repent’ so I could find forgiveness for my ‘sins’. This quote was extremely upsetting to me as a young woman growing up in this church. It put tremendous fear into me about being raped. The idea that God, my parents, and the church would rather see me dead than ‘de-flowered’ in that way gave me a lot of stress and worry about fighting back if the act of rape were to ever happen to me; would I be brave enough to actually end my life by struggling and fighting rather than be raped?  For the message was clear, they all valued my virginity above my Life! 

        

          “I know what my mother expects. I know what she's saying in her prayers. She'd rather have me come home dead than unclean.” Prophet Gordon B. Hinckley, Conference Report, April 1967, pp. 51-55. Holy Shit! Again, that is a horrible statement from a ‘prophet’! What mother would truly feel that way in her heart, mind, and prayers about her child? I cannot imagine feeling that way, even for a second, about any of my children. I would rather they be alive than dead ALWAYS! But sadly, I suppose there are some hard core Mormon women and men who do feel this way, and apparently, Gordon’s mom was one of them. Also, I was taught that this quote is not just a referring to rape; ‘unclean’ means any type of sexual sin such as fornication, masturbation, heavy petting, oral sex, etc.  

          “Prophet David O. McKay has pleaded: Your virtue is worth more than your life. Please, young folk preserve your virtue even if you lose your lives.” The Miracle of Forgiveness, p. 63.The point is obvious, it is better for you to die than to lose your virginity, or commit any type of sexual sin. That’s exceedingly unsympathetic and un-Christ like, yet that is the disturbing lesson that mostly the young women are receiving. I’ll address the boys’ lessons in a minute. Remember, sexual sin is second only to murder out of the most grievous sins you can commit.

          It is a sad, disturbing fact that the #1 cause of death in Utah for children ages 10-17 is suicide. “When children start committing suicide, it means we are doing something fundamentally wrong in the society.”(Sadhguru) Amen! When you understand what the youth are being taught, it starts to make sense. You cannot blame the youth for feeling like trash if they ‘slip-up’. Why isn’t forgiveness talked about in those lessons concerning virginity? What about the atonement? Shouldn’t it take care of things like this, making the repentant person clean again, just like new? If so, then these statements by those deceased prophets are false, dishonest, and misleading! In Isaiah 1:18 we read, “Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.”  There is always a way to come back from your mistakes. Sin is really just a misstep, only an error. Sin is an archery term meaning ‘to miss the mark’. So, you missed the mark, try again, and take another shot! We can correct mistakes. In fact, mistakes make you a better person when you learn from them. Everyone makes mistakes; it’s okay. If the atonement is all about another chance to get it right, why isn’t that the lesson the youth are taught?! The current leaders of the church really need to put to rest these dreadful statements from these departed prophets that death is better than losing your virginity. Because, it is not better!

          The lesson I remember the most, when I was a twelve year old in my Young Women’s class, was about virginity. The teacher passed around a beautiful red rose at the start of class encouraging us to feel the silky soft pedals and smell it. By the time the rose got back to the teacher it was a sad, sorry mess. Pedals had fallen off of it and it looked nothing like the other attractive, perfect roses in the vase that had been untouched. There is no way to fix the rose once its pedals have been fondled and fallen off. The idea was if we let boys touch our bodies we will be like that flower, a sad, sorry mess, unable to be put back together again, which is a lie! Nowadays, the flower has been replaced by chewing gum, or a licked cupcake, or nails driven into a board; you can take the nails out but there is always a mark left behind. No matter the method, the message is still the same, you are trash, if you don’t save yourself for marriage. Nobody wants to chew a used piece of gum, or to eat an already licked up cupcake. God forbid you lose your virginity in any way, shape, or form before marriage!

          Elizabeth Smart addressed this important issue when she spoke to a John Hopkins University panel on May 6^th, 2016. In 2002, Elizabeth Smart was only fourteen years old, and she was abducted during the night from her Salt Lake City home. She was held captive in the mountains for nine months. She was ‘married’ to her captor, as his second polygamous wife and raped repeatedly. Since her rescue, she has emerged as an advocate for human trafficking victims, and as a critic of abstinence-only sex education. She explained to the panel that one of the factors deterring her from escaping her attacker when she had a chance was that she felt so worthless after being raped. She felt unfit to return to her very Mormon community. Elizabeth Smart told the panel, “I remember in school one time, I had a teacher who was talking about abstinence, and she said, ‘Imagine you’re a stick of gum. When you engage in sex, that’s like getting chewed, and if you do that lots of times, you’re going to become an old piece of gum, and who is going to want you after that?’ Well, that’s terrible. No one should ever say that. But for me, I thought, ‘I’m that chewed-up piece of gum.’ Nobody re-chews a piece of gum. You throw it away. And that’s how easy it is to feel you no longer have worth. Your life no longer has value.” The message to Elizabeth was clear that if she lost her virginity she was like a filthy chewed up piece of gum and nobody would want her.

          Elizabeth also described the feelings of shame she felt after being raped, she said, “I’ll never forget how I felt lying there on the ground. I felt like my soul had been crushed. I felt like I wasn’t even human anymore. How could anyone ever love me or care for me after this? I felt like life had no more meaning to it, and that was only the beginning. I was raised in a religious house hold where I was taught that sex was only between a married man and a woman. After that rape I felt so dirty, can you imagine going back into a society where you are no longer of value? Where you are no longer as good as everybody else?” She believed she was not ‘worthy’ to be rescued. Fortunately, she was resued; and now, she is a positive voice and advocate for women and girls who have been raped. I highly doubt her parents would agree with Gordon, or his mom. I am certain that they are delighted that their daughter didn’t die, but came home again to them. Elizabeth has an incredibly fulfilling and meaningful life, even though she was robbed of her ‘chastity’. She didn’t let that experience define who she is. We need more valiant voices speaking out like hers.

          Naomi Wolf, author of Vagina: A new Biography, explores the fascinating science behind the immensely misunderstood body-mind connection between the brain and genitalia of women, and also, their consciousness and sexuality. What emerges is the discovery of how tremendously important a woman’s bodily experiences are, influencing practically every portion of a woman’s life, from trauma, stress, and anxiety to imagination, creativity, and inspiration through the complicated mechanism that links their biology and their ‘beingness’ through their sexual experiences. In Naomi’s book it says, “Female sexual pleasure, rightly understood, is not just about sexuality, or just about pleasure. It serves, also, as a medium of female self-knowledge and hopefulness; female creativity and courage; female focus and initiative; female bliss and transcendence; and as a medium of a sensibility that feels very much like freedom. To understand the vagina properly is to realize that it is not only coextensive with the female brain, but is also, essentially, part of the female soul…. the vagina mediates female confidence, creativity, and a sense of transcendence…” A woman who loves and appreciates her sexuality can do amazing things by extending that love and appreciation into everything she creates. Unfortunately, the opposite is true too. Those women who have experienced sexual trauma carry that with them into everything they do as well, until they are able to heal and empower their sexual suffering. Our sexuality is not something to be ashamed of, or be embarrassed about, nor should it be forbidden. It is a magnificent part of being human! 

          So what about the young men? Do they have these types of humiliating lessons in church? No, not quite. But, they are taught to feel enormous shame regarding masturbation, and are trained to feel deeply humiliated if they exhibit any feelings of same sex attraction. Here is a typical quote the young men will hear in their church lessons, “There is, however, something you should not do. Sometimes a young man does not understand, perhaps he is encouraged by unwise or unworthy companions to tamper with that ‘factory’. He might fondle himself and open that release valve. This you shouldn’t do, for if you do that, the ‘little factory’ will speed up. You will then be tempted again and again to release it. You can quickly be subjected to a habit, one that is not worthy, one that will leave you feeling depressed and feeling guilty. Resist that temptation; do not be guilty of tampering or playing with this sacred power of creation. Keep it in reserve for the time when it can be righteously employed.” (Apostle Boyd K. Packer, October 1976 General Conference, To Young Men Only) Beyond a doubt, there is a war is being waged on the age-old act of masturbation by the Mormon Church, and this war has no end in sight.

          A PSA by Brigham Young University Idaho's Housing and Student Living Office actually compared porn addiction with masturbation to the battlefield, and those who pleasure themselves to wounded soldiers by making a film. The film is narrated by Kim B. Clark, at that time he was president of BYU now he serves in the Fifth Quorum of the Seventy. In that clip he says, “A lonely, confused young man gets addicted to pornography. His roommates know but they do nothing to help him. He stops going to church and there is darkness in his eyes. The young man is spiritually wounded on the battlefield of ‘The Great War’. In our modern society, the enemy has spread fear of getting involved when someone’s in trouble, and has fostered a social stigma against people who speak up in the face of evil. We’ve all been spiritually wounded on the battlefield of ‘The Great War’. But you have felt the redeeming power of Christ, you who know his love and his grace; you know he can heal all wounds. If you need to, talk to your bishop, tell someone who can do something, that you have a friend in trouble, don’t be silent, don’t leave the wounded on the battlefield.” You can still find snippet’s of this video on YouTube if you type in ‘Hilarious Anti-Masturbation Campaign Waged By BYU’. So, the church encourages tattling on your friends if you suspect that they are tinkering with their ‘little factory’. Apparently, friends don’t let friends masturbate!

          Boys are also taught that homosexuality is a perversion from the devil, “There is a falsehood that some are born with an attraction to their own kind, with nothing they can do about it. They are just ‘that way’ and can only yield to those desires. That is a malicious and destructive lie. While it is a convincing idea to some, it is of the devil. No one is locked into that kind of life. From our premortal we were directed into a physical body. There is no mismatching of bodies and spirits. Boys are to become men—ultimately to become husbands and fathers. No one is predestined to a perverted use of these powers.” (Apostle Boyd K. Packer, October 1976 General Conference, To Young Men only) I think that there are some leaders in the church who now recognize people are absolutely born ‘that way’. But, they have not retracted these out dated ideas. These thoughts are still believed by many Mormons, and in some cases, still being taught to the youth. That needs to change! These are the main lessons the boys receive repeatedly, no playing with your super fun ‘funky factory’, gossip about your friends if you think that they are, absolutely do not look at pornography, homosexuality is perverted, and comes straight from the devil himself! Those thoughts are pounded into the boy’s minds.

A new TV series on FYI called, Teenage Newlyweds, follows young couples up to their wedding day. George is a young Mormon RM, (returned missionary) who was one of the first on the show. He met his 18 year old bride, Halie, on his mission. In a clip of this show, George shares his fears about having sex on his wedding night saying, “We haven’t talked in depth. I’m kind of nervous for that, (sex)… Honestly, sex is a big mystery. We talk about how it’s sacred a lot, like in church, but we don’t talk much about what it really is.” So, how do the youth in the church learn about sexuality and sex? They can’t experiment on themselves, masturbate; they can’t experiment with each other, have premarital sex; and, they can’t view pornography, or read books that talk explicitly about sex. The church truly wants young adults to be in the dark when it comes to Sex Education!  

           The late Richard G. Scott was an apostle for the church. He answered a question about what the youth can do regarding sexual activities, in a General conference talk in October 1994 titled, Making the Right Choices. The question that was asked of him is, “They always tell us we shouldn’t become sexually involved, but they never tell us the limits. What are they?” Here is Richard’s answer to the boundary of sexual exploration, “Any sexual intimacy outside the bonds of marriage, I mean any intentional contact with the sacred, private parts of another’s body, with or without clothing, is a sin and is forbidden by God. It is also a transgression to intentionally stimulate these emotions within your own body. Satan temps one to believe that there are allowable levels of physical contact between consenting individuals who seek the powerful stimulation they produce, and if kept within bounds, no harm will result. As a witness of Jesus Christ, I testify that is absolutely false.” Joseph Smith definitely didn’t feel this way about sexual contact between consenting adults. In a previos post, I provided a quote from Joseph Smith while in Nauvoo, IL when he was talking about being accused of sexual sins from others in the church saying in part, “What some people call a sin isn’t a sin.”  So which one is right, the dead founding prophet, or the dead apostle? Richard continues on saying, “Satan particularly seeks to tempt one who has lived a pure, clean life to experiment through magazines, videocassettes, or movies with powerful images of a woman’s body. He wants to stimulate appetite to cause experimentation that quickly results in intimacies and defilement. Powerful habits are formed which are difficult to break, mental and emotional scars result… That is Satan’s way to hurt you by making it seem that sometimes God’s law does not apply. There are no exceptions.” Keeping sexual knowledge and sex education from the youth is a powerful mind control tactic inducing guilt, fear of ‘Satan’ and his temptations, and shame over natural, healthy sexual feelings especially if the youth crosses that ‘purity’ line.  

          Richard also answered another similar question in this same conference talk, just to re-emphasize how strict ‘God’s’ rules are concerning sex. He was asked, “Before you are married, how far is too far to go if it is with your girlfriend?” His answer will come as no surprise, “Before marriage there can be no sexual contact with a girlfriend, fiancée, or anyone else, period. While a commandment, that standard is for your happiness. That’s why the Church counsels you to go in groups and not to date while you are young. Later, as you prepare for marriage, remember that true love elevates, protects, respects, and enriches another. It motivates you to make sacrifices for the girl you love. Satan would promote counterfeit love, which is really lust that is driven by hunger to satisfy personal appetite. Protect the one you love by controlling your emotions to the limits set by the Lord. You know how to be clean. We trust you to do it.” The church is very 'black and white' on the topic of sex and sexual expression. No sexual behavior whatsoever is appropriate until after marriage, but even then, marriage has its limits as well. These restrictions will be discussed at length in another post.

          I agree with Richard that true love makes sacrifices, elevates, protects, respects, and enriches the relationship. But, true love is not a requirement for learning about your sexuality. The youth should not be ashamed about discovering how their body works. I am not saying the youth should run out and have sex with anyone at any time because sexual energy is a powerful, creative force meant to be used wisely. However, I am suggesting that puberty is an appropriate time to learn about that power in a way that doesn’t promote shame, fear, and guilt for exploring the human body through self discovery. Masturbation is a healthy way to ascertain self-knowledge for both men and women. Young women especially will have a much more fulfilling sex life as an adult if they understand their own anatomy, how it works, what feels good to them, and what doesn’t. There is only one way to gain firsthand awareness and familiarity about your personal body. You have to be willing to explore it, preferably without guilt, fear, and shame piled on top! 

         In part 2, I will talk about my own personal sexual experiences as a youth, and being interviewed, I mean 'interrogated', by my Mormon bishops regarding them. 

Aloha Ke Akua!

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