Lessons of Mni Wakan, Vision Quest Day 1
My sacred pipe was all ready to go, my 405 prayer
ties were made, and I felt as prepared mentally and physically as I could be. I
had stopped eating solid food two days before we left in order to shrink
my stomach and empty my bowels. I was only drinking homemade lemonade and
water to keep my body hydrated. There were five women and one man going on
hanbleceya. We had supporters helping us through this experience. You can’t do
this sacred traditional Lakota rite alone. It takes a team to make it
possible. We left for Kamas, UT on the morning of Sept 10th, 2015. We
made our four prayer flags at our supporter’s home while the sacred fire was
heating up the rocks for our inipi, which starts our vision quest. A sacred
fire would burn for us the whole time we were out on the mountain praying.
Someone would always be attending that fire, day and night, throughout our four
days of prayer. When the ‘grandfathers’ were ready, we started the inipi. In
this sweat lodge, we would only do two rounds. We were purifying ourselves, our
things, and setting our intentions for our sacred journey to commune with
Spirit on the mountain. This was an extremely powerful sweat lodge! I had
no idea what I was going to say when it was my turn to state my intentions for
the vision quest. However, I truly did not expect the words that came out of my
mouth. Essentially I said, “My intention is to experience
both my light and my shadow. I want to find the balance and the harmony between
them. I want to experience the place where the light and the darkness touch
inside of me. I want to face my fear of the unknown in order to begin healing
it with my light”. I guess that’s what my heart and Soul knew I
needed to experience, because I certainly did go through Heaven and Hell,
experiencing both profound darkness and dazzling light, while on the mountain
in prayer. Once we came out of the sweat lodge, there was no more talking,
eating, drinking, or eye contact with each other. We silently changed into our
white clothing. The women wear long white dresses. The only long white dress
with long sleeves that I had was my temple dress; so, that’s what I wore. Our
supporters put us into trucks and
took us up to a beautiful place in the Uinta Mountains. When we reached our
destination, we gathered our things and started to hike up the dirt road.
I
was surrounded by sagebrush, long grass, tall weeds, bugs, ticks, spiders,
several small critters, either scurrying past me or digging in the dirt near
me, and many dead trees. I was extremely grateful for my tarp! I was on a slant
as well, which made staying in my hochoka difficult. Once I had my tarp, pad,
and bag all set up, I collapsed on top of them to rest with my chanupa in my
arms, too tired to sit up to pray. I was very peaceful in that moment. I knew
this was exactly where I needed to be. Eventually, I regained some of my
strength, and I sat up to pray with my chanupa in my lap. Unfortunately, my
peacefulness didn’t last too long in that position. I tried to focus my mind,
body, heart, and Soul in prayer, but the damn flies and the damn bees
constantly buzzed in my face! Bees were swarming me, and the large horse flies
were horrendous! They definitely had things to teach me over the next few days!
I was tormented for a while. I was definitely not super spiritual in those
first few hours cursing the flies, the bees, and the heat! I did learn great
truths from all of three of them though, it’s amazing what animals and nature
can show us if we are willing to be taught. In Shamanism, flies clean up
negative energy. They visit the dead, decaying things of this world. They help
us remember to live in the moment, the now, for life is short. Bees symbolize
Goddess Warrior energy, blessings, and prosperity. The bee is sacred. I came to
accept them both as an important part of my vision quest, representing equally
the lightness and the darkness inside of me. The heat was also my teacher. The
warmth from the sun’s rays would be greatly missed in the cold dark night. I
tried to be thankful for, rather than complain about, how warm the sun’s energy
felt on my skin for it would be temporary. I had an alter set up for my
chanupa. If your sacred pipe comes apart your vision quest is over. They had
lashed my stone pipe to its wooden stem with a special leather strip and sacred
red cloth to prevent that from happening. Since I had no shade, I set my
chanupa on its altar while I tied a sheet to the dead tree branch above my
hochoka. It worked quite well to get me out of the sun. As I picked up my
chanupa I had such deep, overpowering gratitude in my heart for my Creator. As
I lay down on my back looking up at the perfectly clear blue sky, cradling my
sacred pipe in my arms, I was moved to tears. It felt like what little water I
had left in me came out and ran down my cheeks.
It
is almost impossible to describe the feelings, emotions, and thoughts
I experienced in those early hours on the hill. The oneness with all
I could see, the gratitude consuming my heart for being there in that exact moment
of time, and the relationship to Spirit that was already happening within me is
beyond my ability to communicate. Though, I’ll never forget that sensation of
oneness. There is a Native American Spiritual saying the goes, “If we look at the path we do not see the sky. We are
earth people on a spiritual journey to the stars. Our quest, our earth walk, is
to look within, to know who we are, to see that we are connected to
all things, that there is no separation, only in the mind.” I was beginning to understand and live this
significant realization with every fiber of my being while on the mountain. It
was beautiful! I sat up again, in silence, perfectly still,
allowing the bees and flies to rest on me at will, contemplating why I was here
at this moment in time, at this specific location, while soaking in all the
beauty around me. I was surrounded by beautiful mountains everywhere I looked.
Being early September, the leaves were just starting to change their colors.
The mountains were on fire with red, gold, orange, green, and yellow leaves
dancing on the trees. It was gorgeous to behold! The next day, 9/11/15, would be
my 47th birthday!
I was eager to see what that day would bring. I couldn’t think of a better way
to ring in another year on this planet than being on a vision quest pondering
my life, my purpose, and my connection to my Creator. As the sun went down, I was
filled with tremendous appreciation, profound peace, and pure bliss was flowing
throughout my body! It was Heavenly!
It
got cold very quickly once the sun was gone behind the other mountain. I
added layers of warmer cloths and climbed into my sleeping bag with my chanupa
resting gently on my chest. I tried not the think about the sage brush touching
my hair, and about what kinds creepy, crawling things might be sharing my bag
with me throughout the night. I put aside those thoughts as I watched the stars
pop out one by one. It was so serene and magnificent. I could see the Milky Way
right above my head and many constellations. I was perfectly warm and cozy in
my thick sleeping bag despite whatever bugs that might be creeping in to join
me. I enjoyed watching incredible dazzling lights dance in the night sky; they
were not airplanes, helicopters, or satellites. I am not sure what those
beautiful lights were or what caused them to move in that fashion, but they
were fantastic and astonishing to observe. When I rolled over, the big
dipper took my breath away. Sparkling spectacularly in the enormous, dark night
sky, it rested right above the hillside in front of me. As I lay on my stomach
preparing for sleep I marveled at its beauty so crisp and shinny against the
pitch black sky. It was another picture perfect scene. I fell asleep on my
belly with my chanupa snuggled under my arm, listening to the many crickets and
bugs that were making the hillside hum with resonance. As I slept, I was caught
away in my first vision.
I
was very aware of Mother Earth beneath me, supporting me, holding me gently. I
began to feel Her heart beat, clearly dancing in sync with mine. I felt the
heartbeat of our Earth Mother! I could feel ‘Her’ loving energy pulsing,
pouring up into me through the sacred ground I was resting on. It was
incredible. In addition to the heartbeat of Pachamama, I could simultaneously
feel the vibrations of the crickets and bugs creating the musical sounds,
within me as well. I vibrated and pulsed as one with all of the creation around
me. It was pure ecstasy! In that blissful moment, I was in perfect harmony with
nature! It was exactly like when I was giving Reiki to my mom for the first
time. There were Heavenly vibrations of Divine Love and Universal Life Force
Energy flowing all throughout me. It was a Cosmic Paradise! It was Nirvana! I
wish I could have stayed that way forever. Crystal clear messages came to
me during this experience. I was especially conscious of the fact that I am
truly not separate from anything. I was the rock, the tree, the bugs, the wind,
the Earth, and the sky. Again, “I
and the Father are one” was
a statement about me and about all of creation. In that very instant, I
undoubtedly felt it, and knew it absolutely. The message continued, “Just
like every atom contains the whole, every piece of creation contains
God, our Source. To know God, we must be God-like. Knowledge doesn’t
necessarily mean understanding. There is much to discover. In reality, God is a
part of the shadow too. Yet, God casts out fear. Therefore remember, you have
nothing to fear because God is with you. You are safe...” Slowly, I
awoke from that vision. The feelings of tranquility, serenity, and the
vibrations of Divine Love steadily slowed within me until at last it left me;
the feelings of bliss and nirvana were gone completely. I had lost my heaven!
A new feeling took over my body. I desperately
wanted and needed water. This was all I could think about. My prayers of crying
for a vision became prayers of crying for water. I cried, and prayed, for water
with every fiber of my being. I could clearly see a picture of the water that I
drink everyday in my minds eye. I have a beautiful deep blue glass bottle from
the CraftWood Inn in CO. Every morning I make blue solar water and fresh lemon
aide. I fill the blue bottle up with water, infuse it with the Ho’oponopono
phrases, ‘I love you’, and ‘Thank you’. Then, I add Holy Fire Reiki energy, and
now it is ready to sit in the morning sunlight for about an hour. It is the
sweetest water I have ever tasted. I was in anguish desiring to have a drink of
my blue solar water! My mouth was exceptionally dry, my allergies had kicked in
from lying in the sagebrush, and I didn’t think I would make it through the
night. I tried to go back to that feeling of oneness; but, I could not connect
with it. All I could feel was my body aching. Every joint was on fire, my back,
my feet, my knees, my hips, my toes, and my kidneys all were screaming at me to "please take a drink of water!" It was such a helpless, desperate feeling. Water was my only thought, my only desire. I was caught up in my physical existence. I could not focus on the spiritual side at all. However, eventually, I did fall asleep once again.
What
felt like a few hours later, I was awakened by a presence. It was the crystal
clear feeling that I was not alone which awoke me. I knew someone was by my
side, like when one of my kids sneaks into our bedroom in the middle of the
night without a sound, yet I know they are there. It was startling. My heart
was pounding. Finally, I found the nerve to look around. I slowly, quietly,
lifted my head and I saw a woman standing right outside of my hochoka near the
southwest corner. At first, I thought it was the woman who was closest to me on
the hill. I couldn’t figure out why she would have left her hochoka to come see
me in the middle of the night. There must be something wrong. However, she
didn’t speak to me. She just stood there. As I studied her more carefully, waiting
for her to talk to me, rubbing the sleepiness from my eyes, I realized without
a doubt, this was a lovely Native American woman not my friend on the hill, and
she was as real as any person I have ever seen. Immediately, I forgot the
lessons I had just been taught about being one with Creation. My fears over
took me, and I was plunged into a hell of my own making! I was petrified with
fear. It was now surging through my body. I tightly closed my eyes. I hoped I
was just dreaming, and that she would vanish. However every time I peeked, she
was still standing there. Finally, I found the nerve to truly observe her. I
could tell she had on a thick robe made of fur, although I could not tell the
color of it for everything was dark in the starlight. I saw she had a
large wooden bowl of water in her arms, and eagle feathers in her long
dark hair that were gently moving with a breeze I couldn’t feel. She was a
gorgeous Native American woman. I shouldn’t be afraid, but I was. I knew she
was not going to hurt me. She was not a threat to me in any way. Yet, I could
not let go of my fears, worries, uneasiness, and apprehension that I was seeing
a ghostly figure in the dead of night. Was I going crazy, or was I very
fortunate to have this vision, or both? As I was lying there studying her
features, I started to hear voices, which is usually not a good sign. As they
grew louder, I could tell they were singing Lakota songs that I had heard while
in an inipi. They were faint at first, but grew louder. With that, I buried my
head in my bag. This was not happening! It was not real! I would not accept it!
Consequently, the negative-self talk started in my head. I had horrible
thoughts race through my mind. I had no faith in myself! It had vanished with
the ending of my first vision. Why was I even here? I couldn’t remember why I
had wanted to come here so badly. Now, I feared I lacked the ability to see
this through to the end. I doubted my worthiness to carry a chanupa, who was I
to be a part of these sacred traditions? I wanted to dash away to our
supporter's camp and leave my sacred hochoka for good. A full blown panic
attack was running wild and free in my mind and body with all sorts of reasons
why I should have never come to ‘cry for a vision’. How could I have been so naïve
as to think this was a good idea? I believe with all my heart, my unbearable
fears and resistance to this vision brought on the next part of my experience.
Abruptly the songs stopped, then wolves started howling all around me.
Wolves were definitely howling! There was no haunting moon to howl at, in fact,
it was the dark moon, the night before the New moon. My only light was from the
stars. I’m positive there were not any physical wolfs present on that hill with
me, except, I could unmistakably hear them howling and roaming on the hill. It
sounded as if they were very close to me, encircling me, in the tall grass. I
was certainly experiencing the shadows, the darkness, and my fears of the
unknown that I keep buried deep inside me. Those thoughts were all bubbling to
the surface of my consciousness. I was as vulnerable and as exposed to the
elements, and my own unconscious awareness, as I could be. Then as
suddenly as they had started, they stopped. The mountain became dead
quiet, lifeless, frozen in silence just like my body. I couldn’t hear a
cricket, or any creatures stirring, no wind either. The complete silence of the
mountain was the most petrifying ‘sound’ of all. How could the whole mountain
be so motionless in absolute stillness? My thumping heart was the only
movement, or sound, it seemed. All the while, this stunning woman was still
standing patiently next to my hochoka as if she was waiting for me to
surrender. She never moved other than the wind through her hair, and her
feathers, which I still couldn’t feel. At last the silence was broken with
incredible, mystical, beautiful drumming. It was such sweet music to my ears. I
was starting to accept that this was all meant to happen. I needed to stop
resisting it. I needed to allow whatever was required to happen, to just
happen. It was time to yield to the experience and to face my fears directly in
the eyes. I needed to stop hiding in my bag. After all, this was exactly what I
had intended for me to experience while in that opening sweat lodge. At this
very moment, I realized I was half way out of my Hochoka. My legs were
completely exposed underneath my prayer ties laying in the dirt rather than my
tarp. I had slowly slid under them throughout the night because of the slant on
the hill, and my thick, slick sleeping bag. My hochoka and my chanupa were my
only comfort. I wanted to be entirely within that sacred space. I could just
imagine the stalking wolves sneaking up the hill behind me and grabbing one of
my legs. Irrational Fears! So many illogical, ridiculous fears started to enter
my mind all over again. The what if’s!! At last, I couldn’t take it any longer.
Up until that moment, I had been paralyzed with fright. However,
I needed to be completely in my sacred space in order to compose myself. My
hochoka was truly all I had. I needed to get out of my sleeping bag in order to
move it back into my sacred circle. It took all the audacity I could find
within me to get out of my bag, and to rearrange myself back into place. The
startling, astounding, mystical woman never left me, waiting unceasingly for me
to give in and to acquiesce. Once I was snuggled back in my sleeping bag
completely inside of my sacred circle, I started to feel relief. I was
extremely proud of myself for actually moving and for breaking out of my
paralysis! As I was beginning to relax in this blessed respite, serenity
started to wash over me once more; cleansing me of my doubts. Suddenly, a
woman’s voice distinctly said, “Lift up your head and
look!” Immediately, I did what she said, I lifted my
head up just in time to see a glowing, shimmering, beautiful shooting star
fire itself all the way across the big dipper from one end to the other. That
was the reassuring sign I needed to chase away the last of my fears and qualms.
Totally exhausted, I relinquished to the moment resting my head back down on my
make shift pillow. Then, the woman by my hochoka spoke to me openly. She told
me many things, while I laid there in awe starring up at the big dipper and
her. I’m not going to share publicly all her words, most were just for me
concerning my purpose, my dreams, and my desires for the last half of my Life. However
at the end of her address to me, she talked about sacred water, mni wakhan.
These thoughts I do want to share with you. I found these thoughts very fitting
as we are heading into the Age of Aquarius, the sign of the water bearer.
She
reminded me that water is a precious symbol of Love, Life, and our emotions. In
order to hold water in our hands we must be open. If we try to seize it, it
leaves us, running through our fingers to the ground. But if our hands are
cupped, we can hold that sacred Life giving element easily. If I want to be
open to Love, and to all of Life, then I need to let go of trying to control it
so that Life, and Love, can flow through me, and to me, as easily as water
flows down a magical mountain stream into a lake. She said, “Imagine
what the spiritual being could do with the focus you are giving to the physical
part of you right now. You thirst not for plain water, but for Living waters,
sacred waters; that is why you are here. God is always with you. God is inside
of you. You are Divine. Embrace the fear you feel by loving it. Love can heal
all things. True Love is our greatest gift to give the world. Transform the darkness,
the shadow that haunts you from within, through your Sacred Light. There is
absolutely nothing to fear in truth. Face your Life and all circumstances with
the certainty of the Sacred Light within you and the ease of which water flows
to you. Rise out of your false shadowy consciousness and come into the
Consciousness of Divine Love. There you will always find your peace. At dawn,
you will have mni wakhan, and you may stop your vision quest.” Then
she vanished without a trace. She was just gone. All I could see where she once
stood was a crooked dead tree looking twisted and spooky in the star light. It
took a really long time for me to go back to sleep after that encounter, and
then it was a restless sleep, not sound. There was so much to ponder and
meditate on concerning the thoughts, ideas, and words she had shared with me.
Thankfully, I was no longer frightened. I was very grateful my fear was
transformed back into faith. This was truly the longest night of my
life! I was exceedingly appreciative when Venus finally rose up over the
top of the mountain. I knew that the night was just about over, and dawn would
soon be breaking.
There
had been moments of great bliss and moments of immense fear, incredible
lights full of hope and beauty; and, unfathomable shadows filled with dread and
despair. Darkness that was finally replaced by the Lightness of Love; visions,
dreams, and answers for my hearts deepest questions came to me that night. I am
forever grateful for those hours packed with gloom which helped me appreciate
and ascertain my Sacred Light! I found my balance and equilibrium between the
two extremes. I found my bliss and Nirvana in the sacred space where the dark
and the light touch. Balance, harmony, and equilibrium are three sacred keys to
living life! This truth was as crystal clear to me as the splendid approaching
sunlight of the blessed dawn of my birthday. "The Dawning of
the light of awareness is the new birth where the sun rises and the day breaks
within you.” (Alberto Villoldo) Not only was this new
sunrise ringing in my birthday, I was now 47, born at 5:55 am; but, it was also
a significant day of re-birth for me. The “light
of awareness” had dawned within me. I am now crystal clear
on my purpose for what I need to be, and do, with this last half of my life.
Truthfully, I was born anew when that sacred illuminating sunlight dawned on
9/11/2015. From that dark night came the radiant, glorious light of
understanding with further enlightenment about my mission in life. This was in
fact a ‘birth’ day, a new beginning, and a new dawn for my Life. Happy Birthday
to me, indeed!
Namaste!
(Copy and paste all links)
www.iamsacredlight.com
www.sacredlights.net
My YouTube Channel Sacred Light
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpZXFp40f4k40LYshzXyl2Q?view_as=subscriber
Comments
Post a Comment