I No Longer Give A...

I love the work of Osho! He was a mystic, a guru, and a spiritual teacher born in India. In one of Osho’s YouTube video, on the multiple meanings of the word fuck, he says, “One of the most interesting words in the English language today is the word ‘fuck’. It is a magical word; just by its sound it can describe pain, pleasure, hate, and love. In language it falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive and intransitive: ‘John fucked Mary’, and ‘Mary was fucked by John’, and as a noun: ‘Mary is a fine fuck’. It can be used as an adjective: ‘Mary is fucking beautiful’. As you can see there are not many words with the versatility of ‘fuck’.” Osho points out that in addition to the sexual meaning of the word there are also the following uses: “ignorance: ‘fucked if I know’; trouble: ‘I guess I’m fucked now!’; aggression: ‘Fuck you!’; suspicion: ‘What the fuck are you doing?’; enjoyment: ‘I had a fucking good time!’; request: ‘Get the fuck out of here!’; greeting: ‘How the fuck are you?’; apathy: ‘Who gives a fuck!’; and surprise: ‘Fuck! You scared the shit out of me.’” This unique swear word is truly amazing with its many ingenious uses in explicit sentences!

          

As a Mormon I might have said this forbidden word a total of 10 times, or less, in my 42 years of Mormon-hood. Once I left the church however, it opened up a whole new world of shocking vocabulary for me to experiment with. I don’t swear very often, but it does have its uses at times, and I am definitely no longer afraid to let the expletives’ fly, when I feel it is necessary; or, I feel the need to speak my mind freely. I found swearing especially effective for stress release while on vacation with my children. Seven years ago while visiting the Grand Canyon, they were living their lives exactly as I had done at their age, climbing every rock insight taking no thought for their safety. Every other word out of my mouth was a swear word. Payback can be a bitch!  
        

I remember when each child of mine learned about this word. By the time my sixth child, Logan, learned of this wonderfully versatile word, I was already out of the Mormon Church. When Logan first used the word ‘fuck’, instead of shock, mixed with surprise, horror, and dismay my common reaction to the older children when they first uttered this curse word, I reacted with lighthearted laughter. He used it correctly in a spectacular sentence. At the age of four, Logan tasted his very first peanut butter and honey sandwich. I will never forget that lunchtime together as we sat at the kitchen table; he took one bite of it and declared, “This sandwich is so fucking good!” It was totally out of the blue, honest, and sincerely spoken by my sweet, innocent, freckle faced, blue eyed child. I couldn’t help but burst out with laughter! We did talk about not saying that word in certain circumstances, and especially not saying it around certain people in our family. However, a few days later, Logan again, used this word in proper context as we sat in the bathroom. He was on the toilet and proclaimed to me, “Mom, this poop is so fucking hard to get out!” Again, surprised laughter was my response to his poor dilemma, and for a second time, I went over the suggestion that he might not want to use that word very often, although, it definitely made for funny stories and hilarious memories. As much as I love sharing funny stories about swearing, this post is not about the value of cursing; it is about no longer caring for specific things; particularly, the five fuck’s I can no longer give now that I am not a dedicated and devoted Mormon any more. In no particular order, they are...

          #1. I no longer give a fuck about other people’s opinions. This one is huge for me! I’ve lived the majority of my life in such a way as to not ‘rock the boat’. I’ve tried to be the least controversial person in my family, the one with the boring, normal, and customary life. I didn’t want to be the black sheep of the family. I resisted anything that might put me in that category for decades. Needless to say, it was a long time before I was unafraid of being called ‘crazy’. Nowadays, I happily embrace being called the wild-hearted, rainbow colored, psychedelic, wayward sheep of the family who is dancing to the beat of her own drum, following the path of her outrageously passionate heart, and going where she never dared to even dream to go before; it suits me perfectly, and I embrace it lovingly! After I came out of the closet of ‘disbelief’, a loved one in my family commented to me about how my FB posts had drastically changed, for the worse in their opinion. I was posting things about the church, and life in general, which I never would have shared in the past. I politely told them I truly didn’t care if others liked my posts or not. I was not posting anything on FB in order to be ‘liked’, or to be more accepted by others. My only motivation to post what I post, or to write what it write, is because of how I feel about the issue at hand, not what others may think about me if I share my perspective on it. I don’t share things to get the endorsement of others in this blog, or anywhere else. Social media is not a big deal to me. Eleanor Roosevelt said, “You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.” I could not agree more with Eleanor! And, not caring about what other people think about me has been fucking fantastic! Santosha is a Sanskrit word for Contentment. It means feeling contentment with Life, accepting one’s circumstances, being satisfied, happy, whole, and comfortable in your own skin. It means keeping a positive attitude in difficult times. It means we can choose to wallow in darkness and in our difficulties, or we can rise above these challenges, and see them as opportunities for transformation, and the unearthing of vast strength, and enduring joy within us. The more we are able to choose contentment in life, the more we grow as a person. It means listening to your Sacred Self, having the courage to live fearlessly, and living absolutely authentically. To be content with life is to be at peace with Life, knowing who you really are, why you are here, and living in your dharma. I’ve learned that the less you give a fuck about what other people think of you the more content you will be.

          #2. I no longer give a fuck about biting my tongue. Those days are thankfully gone. Speaking my truth is a valid, important, and an honorable thing to do. This blog is a perfect example of me ditching my fear of other people’s opinions, and my fear of speaking up. I confronted both of these 'fucking fears' with the publishing of my first book, Sacred Light. To be clear, I am not talking about being rude, unkind, or uncaring with the words that I use. I want to be respectful. But, holding my tongue in the past, not speaking up for myself when I truly needed to be vocal about my wishes and desires, has had lasting, and painful, consequences for me. Shrinking in order to make others feel better is not healthy. It is not arrogance, ego, or feelings of superiority that I am speaking of when I say I no longer care about biting my tongue. I am not saying I am better than others because I try to always speak my truth. We all have the right to speak our minds and to be heard. We do not have to agree with one another on every issue, but allowing our voice to be listened to is vital, giving others a chance to hear our side is important. I want my children to grow up knowing they can speak what is on their mind, whether it is happiness, sadness, anger, joy, love, fear, or pain they need to express; they can freely express it to me. They are always safe to say what they need to say. I want all their beautiful feelings to be freely, healthily, and openly spoken in our family. Emotions only become problems when they are not allowed to flow. Stifling your feelings causes illness both mental and physical. I am no longer willing to make myself sick for the comfort of others. If they don’t like what I have to say, they can always chuck it in their ‘fuck it’ bucket, and move on.

          #3. I no longer give a fuck about my mistakes. I have made many magnificent mistakes in my lifetime, some major, some minor, but I take full responsibility for all of them; they are an important part of who I am today. I learned many valuable lessons from my blunders. Some people might say that writing my book was a huge mistake, speaking my truth so loudly is a bigger mistake, and living un-remorsefully is a vast mistake as well. However, I would have to disagree with them. If writing is a mistake, or if it is not, it doesn’t matter. This is something I must do in order to live my life authentically. Free speech isn’t really ‘free’. There is a price to pay for declaring your thoughts to the world, but as for me, right now, it is a price I am willing to pay. Salvador Dali said, “Mistakes are almost always of a sacred nature. Never try to correct them. On the contrary, rationalize them and understand them thoroughly. After that it will be possible to sublimate them.” Mistakes are just errors, and errors can be fixed, or left alone, not all mistakes need correcting. I truly believe we can make ‘right’ any kind of ‘wrong’. Therefore, mistakes are beautiful and sacred when looked at as opportunities to grow, evolve, and change ourselves for the better. I wouldn’t trade my mistakes for anything. I am trying to accept this same idea concerning my children, allowing them to make mistakes, even when I can see the train wreck coming, I need to remember that they are free, sovereign beings who can decide for themselves what is best for their life. This may be one of the hardest lessons for me to learn, and my children keep giving me many opportunities to test this belief. Still, my advice to my children will always be to live their Life audaciously, to laugh loudly, to love wholeheartedly, and to not give a fuck about their mistakes either; but, to continuously learn and grow from them!

          #4. I no longer give a fuck about fitting in with the crowd. I am a loner. I embrace my 'aloneness'. So many people in this world don’t love, or even like, themselves making being alone unbearable. Being alone is their greatest fear. Not me, I have found a great friend, and ally, in myself. I treasure and cherish my alone time. Sitting in mediation, with thoughts or without thoughts, is my favorite time of the day. Conforming was my mission as a Mormon, being the perfect ‘Molly Mormon’ mother was my dream for a long, long time. I wanted to be in that Mormon crowd of women doing the same things day in and day out, the obedient, lily white sheep. Until, it made me completely miserable, and super sick, because I had absolutely lost touch with my authentic Self. I totally agree with this statement from Hans F. Hansen, he said, “It takes nothing to join the crowd. It takes everything to stand alone.”  I didn’t fit in the Mormon mold, because I wasn’t meant to fit in. I was a square peg trying desperately to fit into that perfectly round hole. It was killing me trying to be something I wasn't, until I learned to let go. Thankfully, I surrendered to the metamorphosis yearning within my soul, that was hankering to take shape so I could experience a new way of living life. The truth is, I was meant to seek out my own sacred path to go in search of discovering my Sacred Light, my Authentic Self, so I could unashamedly live a truly authentic life, which I am definitely trying my best to do every day; and, I couldn’t have accomplished that by demanding of myself to be something I am not, insisting on staying where I don't belong because it is more comfortable than going through such a radical change. It was worth every bit of pain I went through to know who I am now is who I want to be, and if that means I have to stand alone, so, fucking, be it! “The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it’s not. It is an existential truth: only those people who are capable of being alone are capable of love, of sharing, of going into the deepest core of another person without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other. They allow the other absolute freedom because they know that if the other leaves they will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other, because it is not given by the other.” (Osho) Standing alone can be a beautifully powerful thing!

            #5. Lastly, I no longer give a fuck about what I cannot control. One thing I know for sure is, there are only two things in life that we have total control over. The first is how well we prepare for something, and the second is how we respond to what happens to us. We have the absolute ability, and responsibility, to manage those two things completely, and only those two things. We are always 100% responsible for our own life! That is the only thing we can totally control, and count on. I can only control me. I have always been fond of The Prayer of Serenity, but I love it read this way the most, "God & Goddess grant me the power of Water, to accept with ease and grace what I cannot change; the power of Fire, for the energy and the courage to change the things that I can and should change; the power of Air, for the ability to discern the difference; and, the power of Earth for the strength to continue authentically on my spiritual path." Learning the difference between what we can change, or what we can control, and what we can’t is essential. Once you know the distinction between those two, you can relax and let go of the things that you can’t possibly change. But, the things that you can manage, like how you live your life and how you respond to life, become even more beautiful because those two most valuable things become your main focus. When you completely comprehend that what is out of your control, is out of your control, and there is not a fucking thing you can do about it, then that makes life fabulously, fuckingly, fantastic!

               “For far too long we have been seduced into walking a path that did not lead us to ourselves. For far too long we have said yes when we wanted to say no. And for far too long we have said no when we desperately wanted to say yes. . . When we don't listen to our intuition, we abandon our Souls, and we abandon our Souls because we are afraid if we don't, others will abandon us.” (Terry Tempest Williams) That quote by Terry sums up so perfectly what it was like for me as a devote Mormon, saying ‘yes’ to callings when I really desperately wanted to shout NO at! Or, saying ‘no’ to things that my heart was really screaming at me to say YES to! I absolutely did abandon my Soul in favor of fitting in with the Mormon crowd; well, not anymore. Not giving a fuck about what I cannot control, fitting in with the crowd, making mistakes, biting my tongue, and most especially not giving a fuck about what other people think about me has been tremendously liberating for my once forsaken and abandoned Soul. Rumi said, “Set your life on fire, and seek those who fan your flames.” I have a beautiful, glowing, amazing fire burning bright within me now, and I realize that by speaking out so boldly, and honestly, some ‘friends’, and family, might choose to walk away from me yet again. I honor their path away from me, just as I respect my own path, where ever it leads me. I have no control over what others think of me, or if they choose to walk away from me and out of my life. All I can say is, so be it. I am content to accept what is, santosha, for I have no control over those things. Audre Lorde said, “You cannot use someone else’s fire. You can only use your own. And, in order to do that you must first be willing to believe that you have it.” Because I have found my fierce inferno, and my lamp is fully filled with illuminating oil, I am ready to light my own way through the jungle of my dreams, burning bridges if need be, for I am fully aware of the wild woman emerging from the glorious ashes of the beautiful bonfire of my former Mormon self, just like a Phoenix rising out of the ruins of its past life, made anew with elegant beauty, being exceedingly courageous, and remarkably strong, I too feel ready to take on the world… 

Namaste!

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