Metanoia

Truth is available only to those who have the courage to question whatever they have been taught.  ~ Author Unknown

Metanoia is a Greek word for repent. Meta means after, beyond, or change; but, not just any kind of change. This change is an unmistakable transformation. Noia basically means mind. Therefore, in the simplest definition of Metanoia, it means to change your mind. According to the Greeks, repentance means to dramatically change your mind. It is really even deeper than that. Metanoia is much more than giving up a sinful habit. It is like the change of a caterpillar into a butterfly. This change is essential. Metanoia implies a radical metamorphosis where your very being is transformed. Metanoia is a shift in vision giving new meaning to your world. Metanoia is a profound, spiritual revision. That is the kind of repentance I believe in doing. I repent not to appease a judging God, but to discover a profound new way of living Life and viewing the world. Metanoia is the kind of change that could be called ‘being born again’. This is exactly the kind of change I had just gone through by leaving the religion of my ancestors. When I first read about this word, I wanted to get it tattooed on me somewhere. In that one word is all the meaning of my 'Dark Night'. 

          One of the most difficult things to do in life is to change your beliefs about the world and who you are. Nothing is more challenging than to radically change your use of mind, or your way of thinking. After my Metanoia, my eyes were opened to a diverse world I couldn’t see until then. I truly awakened. It was the beginning of enlightenment for me. Enlightenment is really just returning, the same as repentance. Returning to who we really are, remembering who we really are, and returning home. But, enlightenment is not an easy path. Enlightenment is the process of Metanoia. To quote Adyashanti, he says, “Make no mistake about it, enlightenment is a destructive process. Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth. It is seeing through the façade of pretense. It is the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true.” Precisely! I have also discovered through this process of Metanoia that enlightenment isn’t all about the ‘light’ side of life, but rather it is about the ‘lightness’ of life. Wes Angelozzi said, “We free ourselves, like a weight off the shoulders, when we allow our own authenticity, our unique stamp of brilliance to be gifted to the world; to fly freely into all corners, like a bird uncovering the strength of its precious wings.” Living life as a Mormon felt like a heavy burden on my shoulders. Leaving that way of thinking brought a ‘lightness’ to my Soul, which I had never experienced before. I was lighter than air filled with joy and happiness at revealing my own true path and purpose in Life. I think a great, yet simple, definition of Metanoia that covers everything this word means is by Thomas Moore from his book Writing in the Sand. This was one of the first books I checked out of the library that January in 2011, he says, “Metanoia is a change of heart that brings you into the kingdom where you discover the power of Love to heal.” So simply and eloquently stated! I believe that is the purpose of the world and why we are here, to Love each other and to heal our wounded hearts. We will all get wounds while living life, that is not to be avoided, but how we bandage, care for, and heal those wounds varies much among Souls.

After my Dark Night of the Soul experience, I went from the feeling of having Life all figured out, having all the answers, and being completely miserable to knowing I had nothing figured out, I had very few answers, but I was finally, extremely joyful! Now, my Life is a journey of discovery. Abandoning my religion saved my sanity, my soul, and my Life. I was starting to comprehend that happiness isn’t in my circumstances. It is in me just like faith. It is always a choice I have. Joy comes from inside too. No matter what Life threw at me, I could choose to face it with Love, faith, peace, and joy. I was finding that the Kingdom of Heaven wasn’t outside of me either. I had a ‘pearl of great price’ buried deep within me that had been awaiting my unearthing of it. I was on a new mystical path. I didn’t know where it was going to take me, and that was okay. I was learning to embrace the unknown rather than fear it. Being able to say ‘I don’t know’ truly is freedom. And, I loved freedom; cherished freedom! Losing my religion freed my mind! I had just exposed and remembered these important realizations and truths. I wasn’t about to forget them ever again.

It is a lonely experience when you leave an organized religion like the Mormon Church, especially if your family is still deeply involved. My immediate family, Randy and our kids were pretty awesome to me for the most part. It was hard on them too. I recognize that. Having one parent leave the church and the other one stay in that religion is confusing to kids. Even so, they all love and accept me as I do them. Alex was getting married in the temple in June of 2011. That forced me to ‘come out’ as a non-believer to my friends and my family sooner than I would have liked. At that time, I had a current temple recommend. I could attend their wedding. IF, I could pretend I still believed, and had a testimony of their myths and fables. My problem was I had to choose between being true to myself, living with integrity and authenticity; Or, witnessing my first child get married, and living a lie in order to do it. It was a nauseating choice to say the least! I wanted to be there with my son and his new bride with all my heart. I had been to all of my nieces and nephews weddings in the temple up to this point in time. But now, I would have to miss my own sons wedding. That hurt so much!! It truly sucked!  There is no other way to put it. What mother doesn’t want to see their child get married? I can’t imagine feeling that way. I felt cheated and robbed by the church. I was very angry that they forced my hand. The church’s deception had brought me to this place of pronouncement. It greatly troubled me to have to make that decision. However, integrity won. I desired to explain my change of heart about this religion rather than have people wonder about why I wasn’t inside the temple; why I was missing my oldest son’s wedding. It was really important to me to explain why. Sadly, there is a lot of judgment from members of the church towards each other. I wanted to set the record straight right from the start about why I wouldn’t be present at Alex’s wedding. I no longer believed in its doctrines or teachings.

I sat down with my parents to talk with them about my disbelief in April 2011. I wanted to tell them face to face. For everyone else, extended family and friends, I sent out an email explaining my situation. I wanted everyone to know exactly why I chose not to be there. I was still a good person, a good mother, a good wife, and a good daughter. Yet according to the church, I was no longer ‘worthy’ to see Alex and Stacey get married because of my rejection of their literal interpretation of the scriptures. I was now publicly an apostate. Sitting down with my parents was one of the hardest moments of my life. I knew how much I would be hurting them. I didn’t want to cause them more pain. I had already witnessed their reactions to my older siblings when they also left the church. Four out of five of their precious children would discard the religion they loved so dearly. It was really difficult, and complicated, trying to talk to them about my disbelief. I was their youngest. I had seven children of my own. They viewed my departure from the church as me leading my children down to Hell as well, like a pied piper. Because of me, my kids would be thrown off the straight and narrow path to God. My one decision to leave their religion would affect generations to come. It was devastating to them. They never looked at me the same way again. That was a defining moment in my relationship with my parents.

From that moment on, I was their lost sheep, the black sheep, the uncontrolled, prodigal daughter. As long as they lived, they would continually hope and pray for my return. It was a dreadful experience facing their rejection. Their love for me shifted in that moment. I knew it; and, I felt it. And, the effects of my decision to leave would follow me; there would be penalties for my exodus. At least, I had been honest and truthful with them when I could have lived a lie. I thought there should be some gratitude for that fact. I was wrong. Living a lie would have been their preferred way for me to exist. Again, ‘Fake it until you make it’ is the way of the Mormon Church. I couldn’t do that anymore. I was done being controlled and manipulated. I was done faking and conforming. I had without question taken back my power! I was leaving, let the consequences follow!  

            After sending that email, I have been treated differently by many family members and friends. I lost friends by leaving the church. Good friends that I thought would always be there for me. Some family members stopped talking to me unless they must. Nobody asked me more about why I left with the exception of my father. He was the only person who seemed to truly care about why. Why was everything! Except, no one wanted to talk about it. Honestly, my father just wanted to argue over it. He really wasn’t interested in hearing my side about why I left. He only wanted to tell me how I was wrong. He considered all my sources anti-Mormon and refused to believe they had any value or truth. There is no evidence on this Earth that will ever change his mind about his beliefs. He made that exceptionally clear to me. He will never doubt his faith. It was pointless to talk to him about why I left; and, no one else wanted to discuss it. It became absolutely clear to me, what Jerry Garcia has so suitably said, “You ain’t going to learn what you don’t wanna know.” As much as I wanted people to understand me, I couldn’t make them appreciate what I was saying about why I left the church. Why I no longer believed in the Mormon religion was irrelevant to them. They truly couldn’t comprehend it. They didn’t care, and they didn’t want to even try to know why.  I understand that I cannot force someone to grasp a message that they are not ready or fully prepared to receive. However, I never underestimate the power of planting a seed, which is why I do what I do, and to a degree, why I am writing these posts. Maybe one day, it will help someone else in their personal journey to find freedom.

               Extremely hurtful things were said to me on many occasions once the word was out I didn’t believe in the Mormon Church. I will share with you the hardest ones for me to hear. To know that my loved ones actually believe these things about me is disheartening and disappointing. I was told these things many times to my face by more than one person in my extended family. 1) Jesus will no longer be there for me in any way. 2) As an apostate, I am in Satan’s power and control. 3) I can’t make any good decisions because I have stopped wearing my ‘magic underwear’, aka the garments. 4) I don’t have the gift of the Holy Ghost to guide me any longer because I am not worthy of ‘Its’ presence. 5) Emmalee will not have me for her mother in the next life. 6) I won’t be with any of my children after I die. 7) My family is not a ‘forever family’ any longer. 8) I am a damned Soul who will be going straight to Hell when I die. It still shocks me to read these beliefs. They are cold-hearted, callous remarks. It’s hard to write them down and to know that this is truly how they feel about me now. In their eyes, I am unworthy and undeserving of ‘Christ’s’ love. Using my love for my children is especially disturbing to me. It shows me how underhanded this mind set is. It clearly displays how much fear they really have. Those eight declarations are comments they believe with all their hearts.

          Overnight, I went from being a loving daughter/daughter in law/friend to serving the Devil. I was even accused of doing drugs. Given that I was now an apostate, I must not have any morals. I had lost my religion. Therefore, I must have lost all of my spiritual and moral principles too. I was also told to my face that ‘all the light in my eyes’ had vanished. I was now a ‘dark depressed Soul’ rather than a person with the ‘Light of truth’. All of these statements cut me like a knife and broke my heart, wounding me terribly. How could my extended family, and close friends, literally change their minds about me instantaneously, and discard all the good things I have done, and still do? All this negative talk about me was because I didn’t believe literally in the same traditions any longer. I was very dispirited that they viewed me that way. Yet, I was finally being true to myself. That felt really fantastic! That was priceless! Nevertheless, I did have very mixed emotions at times while trying to reconcile my new path in life and my friend’s, and family’s, beliefs about me now that I was free from that controlling mind set they were still trapped in.

            It shouldn’t have been surprising to me, that they viewed me this way. The church teaches the members to fear, and to despise, all those who have left and who talk about why they did so. I don’t know that it is possible to leave the church quietly. Apostates are usually very vocal about their anger, their frustration, and want to honestly tell their stories of leaving religion. The need to heal from religious indoctrination. It is vital to moving on with your life. Sharing your story with others helps to heal the religious trauma. The church doesn’t mind apostates departing as long as they leave silently. But, if you speak to other members about why you left, the church will pounce on you real quick to try to shut you up.

          On Tuesday, April 26^th, 2016 Apostle Jeffery R. Holland at the Tempe Arizona Singles’ Devotional went on a rampage against apostates stating angrily, “I think that there are some days here, where we get a little weak-kneed, a little willy-nilly, and say, ‘I am going to bail on this.’ (‘this’ meaning the church) Don’t you dare bail! I’m so furious with people who leave this church! I don’t know whether furious is a good apostolic word, but I am! And I say, what on earth kind of conviction is that? What kind of patty-cake, taffy-pulled experience is that? As if none of this ever mattered, as if nothing in our contemporary life mattered?! As if this is all supposed to be just exactly the way I want it, and answer every one of my questions, and pursue this, and occupy that, decide this, and then maybe I’ll be a Latter-day Saint. Well, there is too much Irish in me for that! This church means everything to me… everything! I don’t care what happens, what price is to be paid, as painful as that can be, as much as I don’t want to invite the test. I don’t want to sound arrogant, or self-confident, or filled with any kind of pride other than the love of the Lord. This church means everything to me, and I’m not going to leave it, and I’m not going to let you leave it!” Those are fighting words Jeffery! He was very fanatical and annoyed when he expressed these strong feelings regarding apostates. I listened to his rant and you can plainly hear the irritation in his voice. His statement clearly shows the manipulation of the members, the determination to induce fear, and the mockery of those who ask serious questions concerning this religion. This is exactly why my family and friends feel the way they do about me; it is just conditioning from those high up in authority, tightening their grip on the members.This short open letter from May 5^th, 2016 from the FB page of Just Another Apostate states precisely my feelings of rebuttal to this tirade of Jeffrey’s. It says, “To Jeffery R. Holland, I believe truth is important. I’m furious with religious leaders who lie for the Lord. You didn’t “let” me leave the church. You, along with other leaders like you, forced me out when I learned that you distort the truth, hide the facts, and misdirect attention from relevant information. I didn’t leave because I was a patty-cake, taffy-puller who lacked conviction. I left because I have too much conviction in the truth to tolerate your deceit any longer. But what do I know? I’m just another apostate.”  I am proud of being just another apostate too. I left this church because I have ‘too much conviction in the truth to tolerate the deception any longer’ as well. That is precisely why I joyfully ‘bailed’ from the sinking ship of Mormonism! Ignorance is the mother of all evil. Denying the truth doesn’t change the facts! If members are taught to never listen to those who voice serious concerns about, and opposition to, the church then they will remain unaware and oblivious of the problems continuing on in their satisfying illusion. You can’t change what you won’t acknowledge. Edward Abbey wonderfully said, “Better a cruel truth than a comfortable delusion.”  I would much rather hear the cold, hard, ugly truth than an easy, breezy, comfy cozy lie!  

          It wasn’t just family and friends that thought poorly of me now. The ward viewed me differently as well. I was dropped like a hot potato as soon as word got out I no longer believed in the church. The bishop never talked to me again on the subject of religion. Friends from church were few to begin with, and those I thought of as friends were gone immediately. I had an infectious disease called ‘apostasy’. Others in the ward had also caught this dreadful dis-ease. It can be rapidly contagious. I was quarantined trying to stop the spread of doubt and disaffection in our ward. I definitely believe the word was quickly spread not to talk to me. I left my calling in the church, then that was it. You could hear the crickets chirping. No friends are better than fake friends. It was a good thing. It definitely showed me who cared and who didn’t. This was truly when I received the divine inspiration that it was all right not to care about what other people think of me. I had to let those worries go if I wanted to have true peace. Their thoughts about me are theirs to own, not mine, the good thoughts and the bad thoughts alike. I know the truth about me. I am a good person. I love my family and my friends dearly. I love my neighbor as myself. I live an honorable Life with integrity. If that is what a ‘servant of Satan’ looks like to them, so be it. I had come to appreciate and understand what Michael Tsarion has to say about enlightenment, “What is enlightenment? It is Independence. It is freeing others from the slavery of your emptiness and need. It comes when you are no longer emotionally affected, negatively or positively, by what another does, says, or thinks.” I’m not perfect at practicing this, but I have truly come to understand that what others think of me is none of my business; and, that’s good!

I am totally at peace, wonderfully joyful, and extremely content while standing alone outside of the church, and the outside of the temple for that matter. This is precious to me, to be able to honestly say, “I absolutely love my life!” At last, I am living it for me not anyone else. In, The Everything Toltec Wisdom Book by Allan Hardman he says, “As an artist of the spirit, the Toltec of today knows there are no rules to follow, no belief system she is required to embrace, and no leaders to obey. She seeks complete freedom from fear, and absolute surrender to love and acceptance. The modern Toltec discovers a happiness that is the result of love and acceptance flowing out of her, and she knows there is an endless supply of love; it is her nature to love. She embraces life, and dances in joy and gratitude for every moment of her existence. This is the Toltec path and this is the modern spiritual warrior, an artist of the spirit.” That statement summons up beautifully what I have come to believe and embody while on this mystical journey. This is the kind of legacy I want to pass on to my children; it is how I hope they come to view their Life, and their very being in this world, as ‘an artist of their spirit’. I hope they will see themselves as the incredible spiritual warrior that I know they are. Knowing that the only one they ever need to answer to at the end of the day is themselves.

I made it through Alex and Stacey’s wedding very much at peace while I waited on the outside of the temple with our other children. Meanwhile, Randy was inside watching their Mormon wedding along with many close and distant family members and friends. I had to wait for several hours outside in the heat before I could give Alex and Stacey a hug, or tell them congratulations. I had to shed my happy tears in front of the crowd trying to take pictures. There was no place to give me, the mother of the groom, a moment alone to congratulate them in the privacy of the temple. That is the only part I wish we would have done differently. If I could have had one moment alone with them first, before they faced the crowd of family and friends on the temple grounds, like Randy had with them, it would have meant so much to me.

I don’t regret my decision. I do wish there could have been an alternative for us. The church punishes those who choose to have any kind of separate civil ceremony, or even a ring ceremony, outside the temple before or after a sealing, unless of course you’re rich and famous in the church like the Romney family. The royalty status in the L.D.S church of the Romney’s started with Mitt’s dad, George.  George was a very staunch Mormon who also happened to be the well known governor of Michigan for six years. He was the 3^rd United States Secretary of Housing and Urban development at the time Mitt and Ann Romney were married. Mitt and Ann were an exception to this rule back when they got married on March 21, 1969. Ann’s parents weren’t members of the church, so they could not attend their wedding if it was held in the temple. They had a large separate civil ceremony first at Ann’s parents’ home, and then the next morning Mitt and Ann flew to Salt Lake City, Utah to be sealed in the Salt Lake temple. The average member doesn’t have that option! This is wrong, and it needs to change. Right now, that choice is not allowed in this country. However, it is allowed in England and in other countries in Europe. In fact, that is their law. Marriages can’t be performed in the temple only ‘sealings’ can be performed there. Couples in those countries must have a civil ceremony first before a temple sealing ceremony. So, if couples in other countries are allowed this alternative without punishment, members of the USA should have that option as well!

In the Mormon temples, the marriage ceremony is combined with the sealing ritual. They don’t have to be joined; they can be separated, but the church at this time won’t allow it in the US. Couples here in America who are worthy to have a temple marriage, but choose to have a civil marriage first will be punished by the church. The punishment is that the couple will not be allowed to have a temple sealing for at least a full year after their civil marriage. Waiting a year to be sealed is risky in the Mormon mind set. That’s why not very many couples choose to do it that way. Not to mention the stigma that goes along with not being married in the temple to begin with, rumors will fly about them. I know that by experience. The church wants all marriages to be performed in the temple for many reasons, money and tithing being a huge one. They could easily make this choice available for couples with families like ours. But right now, in the US, they won’t. No doubt, marriage equality will push the church to change its policies and procedures on marriage. Hopefully, it’s sooner rather than later.

 

Dancing with my son at his reception was an honor and a joy! I wish I could have witnessed their union, but I honor the path he has chosen to walk at this time.

I have forgiven those family members who said hurtful things, or treated me unkindly, after I left. Because I understand, it is all based in fear not truth. They do love me. They are just afraid. Fear is the reliable glue of organized religions. It is what keeps people stuck in their time-honored beliefs. Keeping the masses afraid is crucial for religion. I can’t blame my family, or friends, for being hurt when I left the church and reacting that way to me. It was just fear. Mormons are cultured to be scared for, and to feel sorrow for, those who doubt their faith, those who question the religion, and those who eventually leave the church. The truth is, everything we do and feel is either based in love or fear. These are really the only two feelings and motivations. All other emotions have their foundation in one of these two passions, love or fear. Emmanuel put it this way, “Your entire human experience is predicated on your viewpoint. Your viewpoint is predicated on your inner belief system and that is predicated on how much you believe in fear and how much you believe in love.” I will no longer hide my emotions, or sacrifice expressing my feelings to keep others around me at ease, for if I do, it is out of fear not love. That would be hiding who I really am and suppressing my truth which is deeply damaging to my Spirit and Soul. That is not the example I want to set for my children. I am worthy to express all of my thoughts and my feelings even if they are not what others want to hear, and so are they. How will my children learn how to do that if they aren’t shown it? We are not meant to sacrifice and swallow ourselves in order to save others from feeling troubled. Life is meant to be lived fully and authentically. Our unique Light is what we are here to shine into being. We can’t do that if we are living Life from fear. We fear what we don’t understand. The secret weapon against fear is knowledge, awareness, authenticity, true love, and consciously living Life. Our fears must be faced, challenged, embraced, and overcome through Love and Light. The ‘Dark Nights’ we experience show us our fears. That is one of their gifts. If we will allow it, it can lead us to Metanoia; the revolution our Souls are seeking. 

Namaste!

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