An Angel on Earth

You’re mourning the loss of what you thought your life was going to be. Let it go. Things don’t always work out as you planned; that’s not necessarily bad. Things have a way of working out anyway. 
~ Frasier Crane

It was July of 2007 when I learned I was pregnant again. I knew I was pregnant with my daughter, whom I had dreamed about off and on for four years. Ever since we had moved to Mendon, UT, I had dreamed about her. I knew she would have beautiful brunette hair, large loving eyes, and a contagious, radiant smile. The day I chose to tell Randy about the pregnancy is one we will never forget.

I told him on his birthday, his 40^th birthday. Randy didn’t think this was good news like I did. Later, Alex called him from a camp he was working at that summer, called camp Fire Walker. After telling his dad happy birthday, Alex broke the news that our Suburban, the only vehicle that could hold our entire family, had broken down. It wasn’t going anywhere ever again. It was hundreds of miles from home up high in the Rocky Mountains. They say bad news comes in threes. For Randy that day it did. Hours later, while I was shopping for his birthday dinner, I got a call from him. Richard had crashed on his bike in front of our house horribly breaking his arm. I needed to get back home with the car fast! It was a ghastly break; anyone could see that. We rushed Rich to the hospital. He would need surgery this time to set his arm back in place and two pins to hold the bones secure while it healed. Rich was always breaking bones it seemed. However, this was his worst break by far. It was also his sixth broken bone, and he was only eleven. Several hours later, we were home with surgery scheduled and his arm in a temporary cast. We were finally ready to have a birthday party for dad. But, Randy definitely wasn’t in the mood to celebrate! For the sake of the kids he put on a smile, like his world wasn’t falling apart at the seams, and we had cake.

         In October of 2007, we went for my first ultrasound. On the way to the doctor’s office, I knew in my heart two things. I knew this baby was a girl; and, I knew she had a problem. The pregnancy had been normal so far. Still, I couldn’t shake that feeling that there was definitely something wrong with our baby girl. That ultrasound visit was a lot longer than any of my other babies ultrasounds had been. Afterwards, the attendant wouldn’t tell us anything. If we wanted to wait and talk to a doctor, they could tell us what was found. Of course, we wanted to talk to a doctor! I was not leaving their office without knowing what problems she had! That visit ended up taking hours. My doctor wasn’t there that day. A physician we didn’t know finally came in to talk to us. She told us our baby girl only had one kidney, her right one. It was not functioning like a normal kidney should be. The chances of her surviving to her due date, or beyond, were not good. They scheduled an appointment for me in Denver at a specialty hospital for high risk pregnancies first thing on Monday morning. We had the weekend to fast and pray. Once we were home, we called all of our extended family and told them what we knew. We asked for them to join with us as we fasted and prayed over the next few days for our little girl. That was the longest weekend of my life! October 29^th, Monday morning, first thing in the ultrasound room the lady tells us, “Your baby positively has a left kidney. I don’t know how they could have missed it. And, it is perfect.” Now, our daughter had a good chance of surviving her birth. You can live with just one functioning kidney. They confirmed her right kidney was damaged and not working. Still, this was awesome news! We had two physicians look at her ultrasounds. There really was a left kidney where they hadn’t been able to find one previously. The pregnancy continued to be labeled as a high risk pregnancy. We had to make many trips to Denver to monitor her growth. But, she had a chance. That was all I truly wanted for her at that time just a chance at Life.

We were leaving for a trip to Disney World on Wednesday the 31^st, Halloween. My mother in law was coming again to Colorado to watch Alex, Mike, and Logan while we were gone. We were only taking Richard, Brandon, and Myranda this time. Sometimes with a big family you have to divide up the vacations. The older two boys had already been to Disney World and were in high school so they couldn’t miss classes. Logan was still too young to go. The middle three kids had been looking forward to this trip for a long time. We felt we should still take it. We believed everything was going to be fine with the pregnancy. Joseph Campbell said, “We must let go of the life we’ve planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.” Learning to let go of my expectations for my life would be one of the hardest lessons for me to learn. Monday I was so happy, I thought the worst news was behind me. I had 24 hours of feeling like things were going to be okay; then, my doctor called again. I had done a blood test for a marker of Trisomy 21, Down syndrome, DS. He said that test came back with a 50/50 chance. I tried to be positive while talking with him. But as soon as I got off the phone, I burst into tears. My mommy instinct was telling me, she has that extra chromosome. I knew it again in my heart. This was terrifying to me. I didn’t know how to raise a child with special needs. We had just prayed exceedingly hard to save her life. At this instant, I was facing the horrible recognition that, maybe, I didn’t want her life saved after all. Perhaps it had been a mistake to pray for a miracle. One thing I knew for sure is it is definitely wrong to pray for a miracle, receive it, and then regret asking for it. I felt horrible! It was terrible to question myself like that. Nevertheless, if was honest, I wasn’t sure I wanted this baby now. This was definitely more than I thought I could handle. I didn’t sign up for this! At that moment, I believed wholeheartedly that a child with special needs was not in my plans! This couldn’t have been a part of my Soul contract. The daughter I saw in my dreams was perfect. I couldn’t help mourning for that ‘normal’ daughter. My grief was devastating, overwhelming, and too heavy for my tender heart to hold. I sat crying with the pain of those thoughts for a long time. I didn’t want to tell anyone about that phone call. I wanted a fun vacation with the kids. We had just gotten over one shocking blow. I didn’t want to give my family another. At last, I could see another way of looking at this Soul-crushing crisis. There was always the possibility that she didn’t have it. Maybe my gut feelings, and my heart, were inaccurately predicting the future. Until I knew for sure, I was done stressing over it! I put a pin in all of those painful feelings. I would deal with them later, only if I must. I told my doctor to schedule me for an amniotic test to confirm if she had DS. It was scheduled to be done on Monday, December 17^th. Having an abortion was not an option for me. I would see this pregnancy through. We had time; time to see if she was growing. We went to Denver often. They always measured every part of her. We would see the signs. I could also cancel the procedure at anytime if I wanted. I left for vacation leaving all of my worries at home. We were going to have a good time with the kids no matter what. Our problems would be there waiting for us when we got back, there was no need to bring them along.

That first night in Florida, I had a revelation through a vision. I dreamed I was walking into my parent’s home. It was filled with all of our extended family, Randy’s and mine. As soon as I walked in, every head turned to look at me. I met their questioning eyes bravely as I told them all about the baby. I sincerely poured out my heart to all of them. I told them how our collective prayers had been answered. She now had a chance at Life. However, there was another risk, a new possibility for more problems. I told them about the likelihood of Down syndrome; how I didn’t know what kind of life she would have, or what that meant for her. I spoke of all my fears for her to live a life with that condition. Would she be bullied, treated unkindly, could I protect her? I worried that I wasn’t a good enough mother to care for a child with ‘special needs’. I didn’t feel worthy enough to raise her. I left nothing out exposing all of my doubts, fears, and anxieties with dreadful details. Then, I just stood there waiting for a response in the shameful silence of that room with everyone staring at me with shocked looks on their faces and pity in their eyes. I took their stillness as agreement for my concerns, worries, and apprehensions. I couldn’t keep it together any longer. I broke down sobbing, holding my head in my hands. A man made his way over to me. At first, I believed it was my only brother. He put his arms around me and let me cry into his shoulder. He held me very secure. Immediately peace and tranquility coursed throughout my body, every fear within me was dissolving, completely disappearing, melting instantly away. In that moment, I knew it could not be my older brother holding me; he had never hugged me like that in my life. Truthfully, no one had held me like that before that’s when I looked up into his eyes.

         

The man holding me was my perfect understanding of Jesus. Jesus was cradling me in his loving arms. I was face to face with the Prince of Peace; the man I had feared in my youth. His loving eyes gazed down at mine, piercing my soul with His tender, affectionate care concerning me. With this realization of who was holding me, instantaneously the room, and the people, faded away from us. We miraculously appeared by a familiar, peaceful, beautiful mountain stream. We sat down on a large rock next to the babbling brook as if it was the most normal thing in the world for me to be sitting there talking with Him. Jesus continued to hold, comfort, and converse with me. He told me, I could do this. I would be a good mother to her. He told me not to be anxious, that all would be well. We would be happy. He spoke many kind and affectionate words to my troubled, weary heart. The trust and the pure unconditional Love I felt flowing from Him was so strong and crystal clear. I could not doubt that what He said to me was absolutely true. I had to have faith and trust in myself and in ‘Him’. In that moment, I knew He was right. Everything would be okay, no matter what happened. When my heart was composed and calm, I suddenly awoke in our hotel room. My face and pillow were completely soaked with tears. It was 5:00 am. My family was still sleeping soundly. As I laid there in bed, savoring the feelings of peace and tranquility gracefully flowing throughout my body, I could still clearly feel His Love surrounding me; and, His caring arms embracing me. That experience changed my perception of our situation. It gave me hope that even though I was facing a great trial, I could undoubtedly handle it. Obviously, Jesus had my back. I knew that. For the first time in my life, I started to question what I had been taught, maybe, just maybe, Jesus wasn’t a ‘judgmental God’ after all. If Jesus trusted me that much, perhaps I had been wrong to fear Him. Possibly, I was worthy of His love; and my baby’s love as well.    

I had three important visions while we were on that vacation. The next one was about Alex. It wouldn’t come to pass for another year, and it was a warning just for him. The third, and last one, was about the daughter I was carrying. We were in Spirit form together. She was a tiny infant about the size of a four month old. I was holding her in my arms, and we were talking through our thoughts. She could communicate perfectly with me. I understood her even though we didn’t speak out loud. She spoke directly into my heart. She said she chose me. I was her mom. I told her firmly she needed to choose again. I knew she was very special. She would need someone who could give her the best care. At that moment, I still felt that I wasn’t good enough, or worthy enough, to be her mom. She just laughed at me and told me, “Of course you are. You will be the perfect mom for me, which is why I chose you.” That’s when I put her down and said, “No! I can’t! I won’t! I’m sorry, but you have to choose someone else.” I began to cry as I turned around and slowly started to walk away from her. 

           As I was leaving, I took one last look back at her. I can still see it perfectly to this day. The look on her face, and the thoughts in her mind said, “Where are you going? Come back! I am waiting for you! Come on mom, you’re being dramatic! You are my mom; and, you know it!” I stopped dead in my tracks with those last four words. The truth was I did know it. She was right. My frozen heart melted. I turned around again, and I came back to get her. I gently scooped her up in my arms and kissed her forehead. With tears rolling down my cheeks, I told her, “You’re right! I am so sorry! Please forgive me for forgetting. I do love you; and, I absolutely will be your mom. I am your mom! But knowing that doesn’t change the fact, I am still afraid! However, I promise I will do my best to be a good mother for you. Thank you for choosing me.” She snuggled into my arms; and, I walked off with her securely in my hands and undeniably forever in my heart. For a second time, I woke up with a tear soaked face in our hotel room to a sleeping family that had no idea I had just went through something powerful, and life changing, once more. From that moment on, I have been audaciously determined to take care of her to the best of my ability before, and since, her birth. Today, I feel so fortunate, blessed, and privileged to be her mother. She is absolutely an angel on earth who chose our family! (This photo is of Emma at about six months old. It shows exactly the look on my daughters sweet face at that moment in my vision when I looked back at her after walking away as she spoke to me. There are pen marks on this picture because I used it as a book mark so I would be sure to look at it every day. This vision and this picture got me through some really rough times. It helped me remember my commitment to her and our special love for each other.)

Even though I had had these two amazing, incredible, spiritual experiences that didn’t change the fact that I still wished she could be a normal child. I wasn’t willing to give up that dream until I knew for certain. Awaiting my amniocentesis test, I was allowing some hope to live in my heart that she didn’t have DS. Many extended family members were praying for that as well, begging God to not let her have that syndrome. However, after this vision, I began saying a different kind of prayer. I was still very strong in my Mormon beliefs at this time so I prayed how I had been taught, begging and bargaining with God was normal. After these visions, I changed what I was asking for in my simple, humble, pleading prayers. I was no longer insistent to God to change my daughter. Instead, I was praying for God to please change me. I was praying for the strength in overcoming my disappointment of losing the normal child I had hoped to bring into this world when I first found out I was pregnant. I was praying for help to put back together my shattered dreams for her. I was praying for peace in my heart for the times when I was overcome with trepidation, especially fearing the unknown; what would the future hold for her? The ‘what if’s’ were paralyzing at times. I was praying for power to provide for her and to defend her from the heartbreaks of this world. With DS, or without it, I loved and accepted her unconditionally. I would face whatever physical challenges she brought into our lives with my head held high. I promised her I would always find a way to continually meet her needs. But mostly, I was praying for comfort for my shattered heart after the chromosome test confirmed what I truly already knew in my heart and in my soul. She has Down syndrome.

There is a significant reason why numerous babies are aborted, or abandoned across the world, which have Trisomy 21. It is a challenging condition with a wide spectrum of issues. I recognize not everyone can handle raising a child with DS, or other special needs. What was right for me might not be right for another. I don’t judge others for their decisions of abortion, or adoption. But, my heart truly breaks for those babies who are abandoned in orphanages throughout the world. This is why I support a woman’s right to choose. We can’t possibly know what it is like to be in another woman’s shoes. It is not a ‘one size fits all’ situation. Too many of these sweet innocent Souls will spend their lifetime in an orphanage un-adopted, unwanted, unloved, often abused, and will die alone. That is more disturbing to me than abortion. If you are pro-life, you should be just as outraged at the tragic conditions of orphanages around the world as you are about abortion, and you should do something to help change it. Those lives matter more because they are here now; and, those lives are still in need of saving! The day after we learned the results of the DNA test Randy flew to a job interview in Utah. Most of our extended family lives there. This job seemed like a miracle. It would get us close to family, and they did offer him the job, which he accepted. Randy started working at Harmon in Utah in February of 2008; while, I stayed with the kids in Colorado to give birth and finish out the school year. Randy would fly, or drive home as often as he could. We scheduled her birth six days before Myranda turned seven so that Randy could be home for both occasions. My daughters actually shared the same due date, March 20^th, spring equinox babies.

         

Baby number seven, a tiny little girl, was born in March 2008. Emmalee Joan was 6 lbs, small compared to my other babies, but a good size baby for having DS. She has large, beautiful, dark, loving eyes, brunette hair, and a beaming sweet smile. She looks a lot like her only sister. She needed oxygen for the first five weeks of life. Although, that was really her only issue, her left kidney was doing the work of two kidneys. Basically, she was healthy with no heart problems. We were able to bring her home after only four days in the hospital. They let me stay there with her even though she was in the ICU for most of it. We had a special bond and clear connection right from the start while in that ICU; and, continue to have that extraordinary relationship even today. I know Emmalee can still read my thoughts as easily as she did in my vision with her! 

                                                                                  Big sister and little sister together at last.

         This is my precious princess today. She had the opportunity to be a part of the Miss Herriman pageant as a 'little Miss'. She got to meet Miss Utah 2017 and Miss Herriman 2017. She got her own crown and was able to dress up as a 'pretty princess' that night. She was beyond excited to shine on stage with her para Paige who was a contestant in the Miss Herriman pageant this past October. Yes, DS has given us many challenges to over come, but Jesus was right, we are truly happy and all is well. Every trial that comes our way we face it head on and rise above it. We are warrior priestesses creating magick and miracles every day! I am so blessed to be this angel's mother!!   

             

Back to my story, after Emma's birth we put our house up for sale and moved ourselves to Utah when she was just four months old. We found a cozy home in Herriman, overlooking the Salt Lake Valley of Utah, to raise our family. While doing research on Down syndrome, I learned that the divorce rate is much higher for marriages that have a special needs child born into them. We were already stressed out trying to keep our marriage together with our large family, financial challenges, and religious issues. I believed having a child with special needs definitely changed my Soul contract. I thought there was no way I would be having that eighth baby! 

Namaste!

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