Profound Peace

A Grandmother has ears that truly listen, arms that always hold, a love that’s never ending, and a heart that is made of gold. ~ Author Unknown (Holidays 1984, our last Christmas  together before she passes away on Dec 21, 1985)

While I was pregnant with RJ, I had the experience with my grandmother I had been hoping for, waiting for, for nearly three decades. It was January 2012; exactly one year had passed since I had left the Mormon Church. We had been with my parents to ring in the New Year at their home. Going to stay for an extended visit at their home was always upsetting to my parents, and to me, after I left the church. I couldn’t be present in their home for very long without one of them eventually engaging me about the loss of my testimony. Those conversations never went well. I would end up in tears feeling so terrible for disappointing them; yet, I was really proud of myself for finally living and speaking my truth. I couldn’t give that up for anyone no matter how hard it made my life. There was no going back into their fold. I had always been reasonably compliant as a child and as an adult. Above all, I want peace in my life. I avoid conflict when I can. This was not normal for me to stand up for myself and to passionately defend my change of heart. I had not been to see them for four months. Labor Day weekend 2011 was the last time I had set foot in their home. That was a deeply upsetting experience as well. When I left, I vowed to myself I wouldn’t be back for a while. Four months seemed like a long time. However, it wasn’t long enough for them to forget about my devastating departure out of their religion. They couldn’t ever forgive, or forget, that significant detail.

I was grateful to finally be back in my home again now the holidays were over. I can see it all so clearly. I was in the kitchen making chili for our dinner. Randy and Michael were standing in the kitchen with me. They were chatting about something concerning the church. I shouldn’t have listened in on their discussion. I should have just stayed out of it. Even so, I proceeded to insert my foot into my mouth anyway, and I make a huge mistake. I told a shady joke about Joseph Smith. I don't remember what the joke was except that it fit right in with what they were saying, and I laughed about it. I couldn’t help it, although, I should have known better. You just don’t joke about any of the prophets, dead or alive! They are untouchable. Yet, I had, and it was hilarious to me! Nevertheless, they didn’t find it the least bit amusing. They were quite offended actually. They both began to chew me out on the spot! I admit I made a big blunder. But, I wasn’t expecting the tongue lashing I got from each of them. When they finally left the room, I burst into tears sobbing over the chili, (served them right for making a pregnant woman bawl). I truly didn’t mean to offend them. We always joke and tease in our family. They like to dish it out to me regarding my ‘hippie’ beliefs, but when it comes to their religion, they certainly couldn’t take the same kind of ribbing that I did from them. In that moment, I was so very lonely. This was too much to handle all by myself. I had no one to talk to about my feelings concerning the church. Leaving is such a lonely road, and I had walked it for a year thinking it would get easier, but it hadn't. I couldn’t talk to my parents, Randy, extended family, or my older children. I had lost several of my close friends. On many occasions, I had great anger boiling up inside me regarding the Mormon Church; and, I was starting to get really angry the more I thought about how alone I was. Because I was by myself in the kitchen, I just let the anger boil over and flow out of me. I opened my anger valve all the way, and let it run at full steam! I was fuming for being deceived for so many years! Pissed that my family was still stuck in that belief system! And, furious that I couldn’t do a damn thing to change any of it! In that instant, I was desperate to speak to someone who wouldn’t argue with me, or judge me, for not believing this shit! I needed someone in my life that would just love me, just listen to me, just let me be angry for a while, just let me vent all this built up frustration, and let me cry on their shoulder! In that moment, I knew exactly who I needed. I needed my grandma Ruby, now more than ever before. With this realization, I cried incredibly hard for her right there, standing alone in my kitchen, while fixing our dinner trying not to drip tears into the chili! 

I missed her with every fiber of my being in that instant. Again, since I was by myself, I decided to pour my heart out to her right then and there. I pleaded for her to please come to me like she had promised. I had waited patiently for nearly three decades to see her again from beyond the veil, but now I really, truly needed to feel her love for me once again. She had said she would come to me when I needed her the most. I begged her sincerely, yet quietly, saying “How could I possibly need you more than I do right now at this very moment?” As tears streamed down my cheeks, I was desperately longing to see her again. I know being pregnant makes me extra sensitive and very emotional. I might have been over reacting to my family’s reaction to my joke. Yet, I urgently, and genuinely, yearned to see her! This quote from the late Robin Williams sums up exactly how I was feeling at that moment standing in my kitchen, he said, “I use to think the worst thing in life is to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.” This is how I was frantically feeling throughout my entire body, and Soul, totally and utterly alone especially while in the presence of my family. 

              Grandma was in my thoughts every day after that lonesome night in the kitchen. It was about two weeks later when it finally happened. I had gotten up with Richard before school around 6 am. I always went back to sleep on our couch for about twenty minutes after he left out the door for school and before the other children had to get up. I was lying there on our couch in our family room as I drifted into peaceful sleep. That’s when grandma came to me. It was as real, and as beautiful, as the vision with Jesus, and the dream with Emmalee, that I had experienced four years prior, while I was an active, devoted Mormon. 

When I first saw my grandma Ruby coming towards me, I almost didn’t recognize her. At first, I thought it was an angel floating in front of me. She was incredibly radiant. She had a shimmering, luminous, white light, and white aura, all around her. She was wearing all white as well, and sparkling all over, like diamonds in the sunlight. When I comprehended it was truly my grandma, I could see she was exactly as I remembered her best. She was beautiful! Actually, she was stunning! She had her pitch black hair done up in a beautiful bun. Her dark, radiant, deep set eyes were piercing my soul. She had the same high pink cheeks, and a very kind, loving smile that I remembered so well from my youth. She held out her arms for me. My heart was thumping in my chest. I was tremendously overjoyed; seeing her again was a mini miracle to me. The miracle I had desperately desired for too long. I ran into her arms and collapsed in her embrace. Her arms were strong, and she held me tight. Immediately, I could feel beautiful divine love and sacred light energy flowing from her body through mine. I started weeping on her shoulder as she lovingly held me close. When I was composed enough to talk, I looked into her deep set, intensely dark eyes, and said, “I am so, so sorry grandma. I am not a Mormon anymore.” I hoped I hadn’t disappointed her too for leaving the church. I wanted to be honest and open with her, even though I was sure she already knew. As I stared into her caring eyes, I saw tears well up and stream down her checks. There was only profound love, and deep devotion flowing with the tears of her beautiful, tender eyes. Then, she spoke to me. She told me how much she loved me. She said she was sorry I felt so alone. As she lovingly stroked my hair, she assured me that I am never really alone. She asked me to please remember that I am always surrounded by her love and God’s love too. She said it was okay to follow my heart. My path was not my parent’s path. She wasn’t disappointed in me for leaving the religion of my ancestors. She was proud of me for pursuing my own passionate course through Life. We continued to hug, cry, laugh, and talk together as one. Time stood perfectly still for us.

Grandma said other things to me too in that dream; but, what is the most significant thing is the fact that she came at all. I expected her to come to me when I was a 'worthy', temple attending Mormon. Instead, she came to me when I was an ex-Mormon, when I was still discovering what to believe. That truth said a lot to me. When our time was up, I didn’t want to let her go. But, I did because I knew this truth, we are both one in God. She was a beautiful answer to my sincere prayer to her. I was absolutely worthy of connecting with her, Mormon or not, and I would always be worthy of that connection no matter what happens in my life. It was a most beautiful, sacred, spiritual, and mystical experience reuniting once again with her; one that I will always truly treasure and deeply cherish.

I woke up again with tears pouring down my face. I could still physically feel my grandmas loving arms completely around me. I knew in that moment, I would be all right. If no one ever listened to me about why I left the church, it didn’t matter. I am not alone; no matter how often I forget, and allow myself to feel lonely, the truth remains true. It can certainly feel quite lonely at times living your truth, and passionately following your heart, when others don't understand your chosen path. But, it is better to stand alone in truth than being surrounded with a lot of company while living a life that feels like a lie. I have decided that I will not compromise my integrity to follow the crowd, following in a 'prophet' for the sake of someone else’s comfort. I am done being compliant. I am done trying to make myself fit in where I don’t belong. No more trying to fit into round holes for this square peg! No more following false prophets, I am a free and sovereign being capable of doing my own thinking. It was such an extremely comforting gift she gave me that morning, knowing I am not unaided from the other side just because I have changed my mind about religion. I know I am still deeply loved by her and by 'God', Mormon or not. It was the perfect time for her to come to me; precisely, when I needed her the most. Just like she had said she would do all those years ago. She gave me a priceless present in the twilight, peace profound, and I am forever thankful for her gift!

Namaste!

www.iamsacredlight.com

www.sacredlights.net

www.secretsfromtheuniverse.blogspot.com